I promised a monthly newsletter, so I guess I need to make myself sit down and write although I haven’t been in the mood for the last few weeks. I just feel blah, and am having a hard time documenting all the wonderful things that happened during the last month of the year when I feel so negative.
I’m sure a lot of it has to do with all the winter weather that has bombarded us; I believe the news this morning said we have had a total of 77 inches of snow so far. This means we’ve had a lot of gray and gloomy skies and very little sunshine, and you know the effect that has on me. It’s also resulted in some treacherous driving and very long commutes. Over the next few days the snow is suppose to turn to rain which means we will then have to be cautions of flooding; I noticed today that the Spokane River has already risen just since yesterday.
I’m starting to adjust to our new living arrangement. I haven’t lived with anyone in a very long time; it’s been over ten years since I’ve shared living quarters with someone I’m in a relationship yet. I’m very happy with where Chris and I are in our relationship, but old habits are hard to break, especially when you’re used to doing most everything on your own and your own way. I find it funny that some days all I want is some “me time”, but when I’m away from him, all I do is miss him. We’ve divided up some of the chores so that we’re both doing something that we find the lesser of two evils: I do the laundry since he hates that chore, and he does the dishes since you know how I feel about kitchen duty. He does most of the cooking, but I’m picking up a few kitchen skills so I’m not completely useless. Every other weekend we have Jamie, so I’m adjusting to TWO men that continually leave the toilet seat up and forget to turn of lights and appliances when their done with them. But it’s a small price to pay for finally taking the step forward into family life.
I’m amazed at how much more expensive it is to maintain a household of two people. Money is a constant worry lately. Not only am I overextended on my personal bills, but there are the household bills and expenses. It takes a lot of food to feed a full grown man and a growing boy, and we seem to run out of it a lot. Chris is really creative in whipping things together with leftovers, he makes chili and stew out things that I would normally just go to waste, but a large pot of turkey noodle soup that would feed me for a week only lasts for a meal – maybe two, when there are three people to feed. It just baffles me. I know Chris is pretty stressed about money too. He has his own expenses and I know he is concerned about the extra expenses he will have to share with me in living at the apartment. I don’t think it would be an issue but with the weather being so cold and wet he sometimes misses multiple days of work a week and is not bringing in what he is used to. I would like to take on a 2nd job for a little while, just until I can feel like my feet are back underneath me, but that is a point of contention between us right now. He doesn’t want me to have to work everyday (I think it’s a manly thing where he wants to provide for me) but I don’t want him to be in the least bit responsible for my personal debt. I have a car I can’t afford but can’t get rid of because I owe twice as much as its worth, 2 student loans, and then the growing amount I’ve racked up on my credit cards – he shouldn’t have to worry about my responsibilities. I’ll figure something out, I always do, but the pressure to keep the wolves from the door is making me miserable right now.
All this stress has turned me into a hideous monster – at least in my eyes. My skin is horrible; I seem to have a new break out everyday. My hair looks dry and stringy. I’m tempted to cut it all off, the only thing that’s keeping me from doing so is the fact that it’s the longest I’ve been able to grow it since I was little girl and I can’t bear the thought of starting over again. I feel fat and puffy; I weight more than I ever have in my life. All in all I look in the mirror every day and cringe. My period is more than a week late this month, but I have a feeling it’s just due to stress.
OK. Now that I’ve gotten out all – or at least most- of what’s been bothering me I’ll try to lighten up a little.
It’s been a week since I wrote the above portion, and my memory of the month is quickly fading so I’ll try to put down all the major points before they’ve completely disappeared.
I’ve debated on if I should write this down or not, worrying about hurt feelings. But it’s about hurt feelings – my hurt feelings, and I feel like it’s important for me to express how I felt. When I read the email stating that you had gotten married, I broke down and cried. I was saddened that I wasn’t able to be there with you, but took solace in the fact that you were on the other side of the planet, and it would have been impossible for me to have been there. For months I had a feeling that you and Doug would soon make it official, but I guess I had always imagined that in some way you would want me to be a part of it. I was heart broken when you told me that you’d actually done it before you’d left the country – and then kept it from me. It made me feel that I wasn’t important enough to you to share in the experience or even confide in me. I felt, and still feel that it was a very selfish action. I understand that the action and the ceremony is truly about the two people making the commitment; and it should just be about the two of you, and I truly want you to be happy. But our lives are intertwined, no matter how far apart we are. I wish you would have given me the chance to celebrate with you – even if it was from a distance, be happy for you, process things in my head. But what’s done is done, and although I am still hurt, there is no use dwelling on it. There. I said what I need to – I feel better now.
Christmas was wonderful. I hate to say this, but I think it was the most memorable holiday I’ve had since I was a child. I’ve never been a big fan of the season, I can’t explain why, but depression usually hits me like a brick around Thanksgiving and lasts until after the New Year. But this year I didn’t shed a single tear – except Christmas Eve when I opened Chris’s gift. We were all very spoiled, we got more than we need, and now I’m worried about the money that was spent, but since it was essentially my first Christmas, and Chris’s first one in a while I guess it’s alright that we overdid ourselves.
Well, I have lots more to say, but it belongs to another post, so I’m going to say goodbye for now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Newsletter: November 2008
Another month has come and went, I can’t believe how time flies.
This month was filled with ups and downs, but I guess most usually are. It started with being able to watch history take place as the first African-American President was elected. I was unable to register in time to vote, but Obama would have been my choice, so I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve heard many say that they are now afraid of what’s to come, but I think that either of the candidates would have a long, tough road ahead of them to straighten out the country’s future.
I’ve also attended church a few times with Chris and his family. I appreciate and enjoy the community environment, but I still have reservations regarding organized religion, so sitting through the services is sometimes difficult. This church is based on their belief in the bible, and that it was written as a history; whereas I believe that it is more or less a book of stories written to inspire and teach morals and values in their telling. Also, I have an issue at the commercialization of the services – I swear that once they asked us to take out our wallets three times in the span of an hour. Chris and I have discussed trying out a few different churches to see if we can find one that we are both more comfortable with.
Little Annie Pants has been making “puddles”. She seems to do it when I have been away for more than a day & she needs some attention. I am going to refill my pheromone diffuser and see if that helps, and I’ve been putting all the things that she likes to mark (pillows, blankets, etc…) put away when I’m not there – that seems to help. I also think things will improve once Chris moves in and I’m not gone every other night. Last week Annie swept her tail over one of my candles and singed half of her hair off. It didn’t hurt her, in fact she didn’t even notice it, but it really stunk up the bedroom.
The last week of the month was an expensive and emotional one. I hit a curb and destroyed one of my tires. Because Olivia is all-wheel drive, you can’t just replace one tire, you have to – as stated in my warranty and owner’s manual replace ALL FOUR. Which of course, I can’t afford. Luckily, I was able to do 90 day’s same as cash financing – or not so lucky when you consider the financial disaster I’m already in – and I’m hoping I can pay it of with my tax return. That same day I got my first collection call for my condo. I’ve been expecting it, but it was still like a blow to the head. Chris played the role of the hero and got on the phone with them – after they had called close to 20 times over the week and told them not to call any more – and they haven’t called since! The day before Thanksgiving I found out my cousin is pregnant and had myself a good cry. I know that if I’m meant to have a baby it will happen when the time is right, but that doesn’t make it any easier when those you know are being blessed with the one thing you truly want.
Thanksgiving was a great day. Lots of good food and family and friends. Our friend Roxy came by with her little girl Dolla, and Rhonda brought Jamie over in the afternoon. The boys have been teaching me how to play video games, and we spent a lot of the day in front to the TV, controllers in hand. Long after my bedtime I head home and let the boys play into the night since I was the only one that had to work the next day. After work, I picked up Jamie’s Christmas present and Chris and I locked ourselves in his room to wrap presents. Afterward we all sat down to play a game of monopoly – it’s probably been 20 years since I’ve done that!
I’m actually really excited for Christmas this year; we’ll have Jamie Christmas Eve night, so we’ll all be together to open gifts in the morning. I can’t wait to see their faces. This weekend I’m getting my first adult Christmas tree. Chris wants to go out and cut our own – I haven’t done that since I was little, but if he ends up working I’ll probably just go and buy one. It’ll be interesting to see what the cats do… I’ll let you know next month how many times the tree gets knocked over.
This month was filled with ups and downs, but I guess most usually are. It started with being able to watch history take place as the first African-American President was elected. I was unable to register in time to vote, but Obama would have been my choice, so I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve heard many say that they are now afraid of what’s to come, but I think that either of the candidates would have a long, tough road ahead of them to straighten out the country’s future.
I’ve also attended church a few times with Chris and his family. I appreciate and enjoy the community environment, but I still have reservations regarding organized religion, so sitting through the services is sometimes difficult. This church is based on their belief in the bible, and that it was written as a history; whereas I believe that it is more or less a book of stories written to inspire and teach morals and values in their telling. Also, I have an issue at the commercialization of the services – I swear that once they asked us to take out our wallets three times in the span of an hour. Chris and I have discussed trying out a few different churches to see if we can find one that we are both more comfortable with.
Little Annie Pants has been making “puddles”. She seems to do it when I have been away for more than a day & she needs some attention. I am going to refill my pheromone diffuser and see if that helps, and I’ve been putting all the things that she likes to mark (pillows, blankets, etc…) put away when I’m not there – that seems to help. I also think things will improve once Chris moves in and I’m not gone every other night. Last week Annie swept her tail over one of my candles and singed half of her hair off. It didn’t hurt her, in fact she didn’t even notice it, but it really stunk up the bedroom.
The last week of the month was an expensive and emotional one. I hit a curb and destroyed one of my tires. Because Olivia is all-wheel drive, you can’t just replace one tire, you have to – as stated in my warranty and owner’s manual replace ALL FOUR. Which of course, I can’t afford. Luckily, I was able to do 90 day’s same as cash financing – or not so lucky when you consider the financial disaster I’m already in – and I’m hoping I can pay it of with my tax return. That same day I got my first collection call for my condo. I’ve been expecting it, but it was still like a blow to the head. Chris played the role of the hero and got on the phone with them – after they had called close to 20 times over the week and told them not to call any more – and they haven’t called since! The day before Thanksgiving I found out my cousin is pregnant and had myself a good cry. I know that if I’m meant to have a baby it will happen when the time is right, but that doesn’t make it any easier when those you know are being blessed with the one thing you truly want.
Thanksgiving was a great day. Lots of good food and family and friends. Our friend Roxy came by with her little girl Dolla, and Rhonda brought Jamie over in the afternoon. The boys have been teaching me how to play video games, and we spent a lot of the day in front to the TV, controllers in hand. Long after my bedtime I head home and let the boys play into the night since I was the only one that had to work the next day. After work, I picked up Jamie’s Christmas present and Chris and I locked ourselves in his room to wrap presents. Afterward we all sat down to play a game of monopoly – it’s probably been 20 years since I’ve done that!
I’m actually really excited for Christmas this year; we’ll have Jamie Christmas Eve night, so we’ll all be together to open gifts in the morning. I can’t wait to see their faces. This weekend I’m getting my first adult Christmas tree. Chris wants to go out and cut our own – I haven’t done that since I was little, but if he ends up working I’ll probably just go and buy one. It’ll be interesting to see what the cats do… I’ll let you know next month how many times the tree gets knocked over.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
On election day
Let no one be discouraged
by the belief there is nothing one man or woman
can do against the enormous array of the world’s ills --
against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence
… few will have the greatness to bend history itself,
but each of us can work to change a small portion of events,
and in the total of all those acts
will be written the history of the generation.
It is from numberless, diverse acts of courage
and belief that human history is shaped.
Each time a person stands up for an ideal,
or acts to improve the lot of others,
or strikes out against injustice,
he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope,
and, crossing each other from a million
different centers of energy and daring,
these ripples build a current
that can sweep down the mightiest of walls
of oppression and resistance.
By Robert F. Kennedy
by the belief there is nothing one man or woman
can do against the enormous array of the world’s ills --
against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence
… few will have the greatness to bend history itself,
but each of us can work to change a small portion of events,
and in the total of all those acts
will be written the history of the generation.
It is from numberless, diverse acts of courage
and belief that human history is shaped.
Each time a person stands up for an ideal,
or acts to improve the lot of others,
or strikes out against injustice,
he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope,
and, crossing each other from a million
different centers of energy and daring,
these ripples build a current
that can sweep down the mightiest of walls
of oppression and resistance.
By Robert F. Kennedy
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The fortune cookie says...
To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Newsletter: October 2008
This is for you mom!
Today is gray and gloom; I guess that makes it the perfect weather for Halloween. Tonight I will be playing the role of the adult while Chris and Jamie go trick or treating. Chris is very excited to spend the holiday with his son; it’s the first one they’ve spent together on four years.
The first of the month marked the one year anniversary of the day Chris and I met. We celebrated by going to dinner; I gave him a new watch; he gave me a silver & diamond locket. It was a good night although it was marked by moments of my on-going depression.
In September I ran out of my anti-depressants. I was waiting until my new insurance came into effect to get a new prescription. I shouldn’t have waited so long. The result was the worst case of the blues I’ve ever experienced. I scared myself almost to death when I started thinking of ending my life. I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve thought “I just don’t want to do this anymore”, but this was the first time I’ve actually started planning how I could go about it. Don’t worry! I’m feeling much better now; I’m back on my medication and I found a new therapist.
Chris has proven himself over and over again to me through my emotional upheaval. I can’t tell you the number of times he’s just held me and let me cry. Or how many times he’s asked me how I’m doing only to hear me say “Not so good”, and accepts the fact that I can’t explain why.
On my birthday he showed up on my doorstep with a tiny chocolate cake and candles. I went to Church with the entire family; the first time I’ve attended a service on over 10 years. I can’t honestly tell you what I thought about the service; I was uptight and tense and I cried through most of it, with Chris’s reassuring arm around me. Afterward, Ken and Carolyn took us out to eat at the Olive Garden, where I preceded to drink too much wine. This of course means that I don’t remember much of the fist night that Chris stayed over at the apartment. But it really was a good day, I didn’t spend my birthday alone.
The rest of the month has flown by. Work, sleep, work, sleep. I’ve seen a doctor to get my medications, went to the OBGYN to check my plumbing, and found a therapist that I think I like, so I guess I’ve getting things under control.
I’ll let you know what happens next month….
Today is gray and gloom; I guess that makes it the perfect weather for Halloween. Tonight I will be playing the role of the adult while Chris and Jamie go trick or treating. Chris is very excited to spend the holiday with his son; it’s the first one they’ve spent together on four years.
The first of the month marked the one year anniversary of the day Chris and I met. We celebrated by going to dinner; I gave him a new watch; he gave me a silver & diamond locket. It was a good night although it was marked by moments of my on-going depression.
In September I ran out of my anti-depressants. I was waiting until my new insurance came into effect to get a new prescription. I shouldn’t have waited so long. The result was the worst case of the blues I’ve ever experienced. I scared myself almost to death when I started thinking of ending my life. I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve thought “I just don’t want to do this anymore”, but this was the first time I’ve actually started planning how I could go about it. Don’t worry! I’m feeling much better now; I’m back on my medication and I found a new therapist.
Chris has proven himself over and over again to me through my emotional upheaval. I can’t tell you the number of times he’s just held me and let me cry. Or how many times he’s asked me how I’m doing only to hear me say “Not so good”, and accepts the fact that I can’t explain why.
On my birthday he showed up on my doorstep with a tiny chocolate cake and candles. I went to Church with the entire family; the first time I’ve attended a service on over 10 years. I can’t honestly tell you what I thought about the service; I was uptight and tense and I cried through most of it, with Chris’s reassuring arm around me. Afterward, Ken and Carolyn took us out to eat at the Olive Garden, where I preceded to drink too much wine. This of course means that I don’t remember much of the fist night that Chris stayed over at the apartment. But it really was a good day, I didn’t spend my birthday alone.
The rest of the month has flown by. Work, sleep, work, sleep. I’ve seen a doctor to get my medications, went to the OBGYN to check my plumbing, and found a therapist that I think I like, so I guess I’ve getting things under control.
I’ll let you know what happens next month….
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely…..
Right now I feel betrayed, hurt, and hopeless.
On Monday I made an appointment with a new doctor to help me get my emotions under control and my medications back on track. I was told my appointment would be today at 8:30 AM, and to print the new patient paperwork off of their website because they may not be able to mail them to me in time for my appointment. I got up and hour and a half early and made it into Spokane 15 minutes before my appointment. I walked up to the reception desk and was told that my appointment was for November 6 at 8:30, not today. I think she could tell how upset I was by this because she was able to find me an earlier appointment – a week from today. So I took my appointment card and headed for the elevator, holding back the tears. When I got down to the lobby I called my supervisor to see if I could come into work early, other wise I was just going to sit in my car and cry for an hour. I got in my car, took a “chill out pill” and tried to rationalize my feelings. I know that it was a clerical mistake, and not intentionally done to hurt or cause me harm. But the idea of going another week felling the way I do makes me want to melt into a sticky pile of Jenn on the floor that someone else is going to have to come along and clean up. “Ewe… what did I just step in?” “Oh, that’s just Jenn – she dissolved a little while ago, maybe we should grab the squeegee so she can finish disintegrating without anyone else stepping in her…”
I hate the fact that I need medication to make me feel normal. I hate that I’ll probably have to be on these medications for the rest of my life. I look at all the “normal” people that seem to get by everyday, to smile often, they appear happy, and I wonder how they do it. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a roof over my head, my fuzzy children, a warm bed to sleep in, I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever seen, I have supportive friends… so why am I so miserable? Why do I break down and cry for no reason at all? Then why do I turn abound and get so angry that I’m ready to throw things? Why do I push myself away from everyone I care about so that they don’t have to deal with me when I’m like this? Why can’t I allow myself to trust those around me that I know in my heart would be there and help support me through this?
I know one of my many flaws is that I’m an isolationist. I don’t want to burden others with my feelings or my needs. Also, I’m afraid to lean too hard on someone, I’ve had so many people walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor. It’s hard for me to trust that people will love me and accept me regardless, and be there when I reach out. But I’m learning to trust… hopefully the first person I’ll start with is myself.
On Monday I made an appointment with a new doctor to help me get my emotions under control and my medications back on track. I was told my appointment would be today at 8:30 AM, and to print the new patient paperwork off of their website because they may not be able to mail them to me in time for my appointment. I got up and hour and a half early and made it into Spokane 15 minutes before my appointment. I walked up to the reception desk and was told that my appointment was for November 6 at 8:30, not today. I think she could tell how upset I was by this because she was able to find me an earlier appointment – a week from today. So I took my appointment card and headed for the elevator, holding back the tears. When I got down to the lobby I called my supervisor to see if I could come into work early, other wise I was just going to sit in my car and cry for an hour. I got in my car, took a “chill out pill” and tried to rationalize my feelings. I know that it was a clerical mistake, and not intentionally done to hurt or cause me harm. But the idea of going another week felling the way I do makes me want to melt into a sticky pile of Jenn on the floor that someone else is going to have to come along and clean up. “Ewe… what did I just step in?” “Oh, that’s just Jenn – she dissolved a little while ago, maybe we should grab the squeegee so she can finish disintegrating without anyone else stepping in her…”
I hate the fact that I need medication to make me feel normal. I hate that I’ll probably have to be on these medications for the rest of my life. I look at all the “normal” people that seem to get by everyday, to smile often, they appear happy, and I wonder how they do it. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a roof over my head, my fuzzy children, a warm bed to sleep in, I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever seen, I have supportive friends… so why am I so miserable? Why do I break down and cry for no reason at all? Then why do I turn abound and get so angry that I’m ready to throw things? Why do I push myself away from everyone I care about so that they don’t have to deal with me when I’m like this? Why can’t I allow myself to trust those around me that I know in my heart would be there and help support me through this?
I know one of my many flaws is that I’m an isolationist. I don’t want to burden others with my feelings or my needs. Also, I’m afraid to lean too hard on someone, I’ve had so many people walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor. It’s hard for me to trust that people will love me and accept me regardless, and be there when I reach out. But I’m learning to trust… hopefully the first person I’ll start with is myself.
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