How am I?

I’ve been asked several times in the last couple of days – How are you doing? I’m not really sure how to answer that. I can’t describe how I am exactly, and even if I could, the reality of small talk is that the asker really doesn’t want to know. The question is simply a civility – something that expects a short, sweet answer.
I am no longer in the state of despair that I was a short while ago. But I can’t say that I really feel any better. I have my highs; I have my lows; but the majority of the time I feel nothing at all. Numb.
Part of me wants to jump up and down and scream "I want my life back!" But whenever that urge hits me I think, "Wait, what life?" What have I ever done that makes me truly happy? Do I even know what being truly happy is? If I do, I can’t remember… I can’t remember a time in my life when I have been perfectly content. I can’t remember a time when some sort of turmoil wasn’t occurring.
As part of my seeing Lee every week, I have come to accept that I place no value on myself. It’s a hard thing to admit. I’m sure it will be an even harder thing to resolve. I tend to take care of everyone, and everything, except myself. How am I to override my way of thinking; the way I have lived my life for as long as I can remember? I have hope that Lee will teach me the tools to do this, but that hope is overshadowed by my belief that it isn’t possible.
I have a talent when it comes to the written word. But in this situation, where I have so much I want to say and express, I can’t seem to find the words. I want so badly to share with those that care about me what I’m going through. I want them to understand so that they can support me during this difficult time. But I can’t put into words the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the frustration, and the general feeling of failure that I feel in regards to my life. In the same respect, I have no words for the sparse feeling of peace that I feel every morning when I sit on my front steps and listen to the birds, or the excitement I feel when I come home to all of the small furry creatures that are always happy that I am there. And I have no clue how to explain them emptiness that seems to overwhelm me on a daily basis.
So…. How am I? I truly don’t know – right now I’m simply surviving.