Right now I feel betrayed, hurt, and hopeless.
On Monday I made an appointment with a new doctor to help me get my emotions under control and my medications back on track. I was told my appointment would be today at 8:30 AM, and to print the new patient paperwork off of their website because they may not be able to mail them to me in time for my appointment. I got up and hour and a half early and made it into Spokane 15 minutes before my appointment. I walked up to the reception desk and was told that my appointment was for November 6 at 8:30, not today. I think she could tell how upset I was by this because she was able to find me an earlier appointment – a week from today. So I took my appointment card and headed for the elevator, holding back the tears. When I got down to the lobby I called my supervisor to see if I could come into work early, other wise I was just going to sit in my car and cry for an hour. I got in my car, took a “chill out pill” and tried to rationalize my feelings. I know that it was a clerical mistake, and not intentionally done to hurt or cause me harm. But the idea of going another week felling the way I do makes me want to melt into a sticky pile of Jenn on the floor that someone else is going to have to come along and clean up. “Ewe… what did I just step in?” “Oh, that’s just Jenn – she dissolved a little while ago, maybe we should grab the squeegee so she can finish disintegrating without anyone else stepping in her…”
I hate the fact that I need medication to make me feel normal. I hate that I’ll probably have to be on these medications for the rest of my life. I look at all the “normal” people that seem to get by everyday, to smile often, they appear happy, and I wonder how they do it. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a roof over my head, my fuzzy children, a warm bed to sleep in, I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever seen, I have supportive friends… so why am I so miserable? Why do I break down and cry for no reason at all? Then why do I turn abound and get so angry that I’m ready to throw things? Why do I push myself away from everyone I care about so that they don’t have to deal with me when I’m like this? Why can’t I allow myself to trust those around me that I know in my heart would be there and help support me through this?
I know one of my many flaws is that I’m an isolationist. I don’t want to burden others with my feelings or my needs. Also, I’m afraid to lean too hard on someone, I’ve had so many people walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor. It’s hard for me to trust that people will love me and accept me regardless, and be there when I reach out. But I’m learning to trust… hopefully the first person I’ll start with is myself.
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