Hhhhmmmmmmm.....

Anti-Social Behavior Disorder

Persistent lying or stealing
Apparent lack of remorse or empathy for others
Inability to keep jobs or stay in school
Impulsivity and/or recklessness
Lack of realistic, long-term goals - an inability or persistant failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals
Poor behavior controls - expressions of irritability, annoyance,impatience,threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper
Recurring difficulties with the law
Tendency to violate the boundries and rights of others
Substance abuse
Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
Inability to tolerate boredom
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Persistant attitude of irrespinsibility
Difficulties with authority figures
Borrows money without repaying it
Arrogant and overly confident
Failure to plan ahead

A person with antisocial behavior might appear very charming and outgoing at first. However, friendships and relationships are hard to maintain as it becomes clear that it is too difficult to be close to this person. What first seems to be daring and fun becomes dangerous and thoughtless.

People exhibiting antisocial behavior are extremely selfish and self-centered.

This behavior in adults is not easily treated by psychotherapy or medication, as there is little motivation for adults to change. If you suspect an adult with this disorder it is best to avoid him as much as possible to protect yourself and your family.

Geee..... this kind of sounds like someone I know.

It's been a long time...

I wish I would have kept up on this. I wish I would have kept writing. Anyone that would view the last two years of my life based on this would think I live a pretty meager existence. Does Jenn still exist? Where has she been? Has her life been so uneventful that it's simply not worth writing about?

The truth of the matter is that I've lost the motivation. The last two years have been the most dramatic of my life. The most wonderful and the most horrific. I wish I would have taken the time to document. I wish I would have taken the time to share. But here I am now, wondering where to begin...

Do I start at the beginning and work my way forward? That seems to make the most sense, but there is so much to write about that I fear I would leave out things I would later regret, either that or get frustrated with how long it took to write it all out and simply give up again.

Maybe it doesn't matter...since I'm simply writing for myself as a way to get it all out. Lord knows I can't talk to the one person I need to about all of these things... I have so much hurt, anger, and resentment built up that I think I'll explode if I can't find some way to express it somehow.

Newletter: December 2008

I promised a monthly newsletter, so I guess I need to make myself sit down and write although I haven’t been in the mood for the last few weeks. I just feel blah, and am having a hard time documenting all the wonderful things that happened during the last month of the year when I feel so negative.

I’m sure a lot of it has to do with all the winter weather that has bombarded us; I believe the news this morning said we have had a total of 77 inches of snow so far. This means we’ve had a lot of gray and gloomy skies and very little sunshine, and you know the effect that has on me. It’s also resulted in some treacherous driving and very long commutes. Over the next few days the snow is suppose to turn to rain which means we will then have to be cautions of flooding; I noticed today that the Spokane River has already risen just since yesterday.

I’m starting to adjust to our new living arrangement. I haven’t lived with anyone in a very long time; it’s been over ten years since I’ve shared living quarters with someone I’m in a relationship yet. I’m very happy with where Chris and I are in our relationship, but old habits are hard to break, especially when you’re used to doing most everything on your own and your own way. I find it funny that some days all I want is some “me time”, but when I’m away from him, all I do is miss him. We’ve divided up some of the chores so that we’re both doing something that we find the lesser of two evils: I do the laundry since he hates that chore, and he does the dishes since you know how I feel about kitchen duty. He does most of the cooking, but I’m picking up a few kitchen skills so I’m not completely useless. Every other weekend we have Jamie, so I’m adjusting to TWO men that continually leave the toilet seat up and forget to turn of lights and appliances when their done with them. But it’s a small price to pay for finally taking the step forward into family life.

I’m amazed at how much more expensive it is to maintain a household of two people. Money is a constant worry lately. Not only am I overextended on my personal bills, but there are the household bills and expenses. It takes a lot of food to feed a full grown man and a growing boy, and we seem to run out of it a lot. Chris is really creative in whipping things together with leftovers, he makes chili and stew out things that I would normally just go to waste, but a large pot of turkey noodle soup that would feed me for a week only lasts for a meal – maybe two, when there are three people to feed. It just baffles me. I know Chris is pretty stressed about money too. He has his own expenses and I know he is concerned about the extra expenses he will have to share with me in living at the apartment. I don’t think it would be an issue but with the weather being so cold and wet he sometimes misses multiple days of work a week and is not bringing in what he is used to. I would like to take on a 2nd job for a little while, just until I can feel like my feet are back underneath me, but that is a point of contention between us right now. He doesn’t want me to have to work everyday (I think it’s a manly thing where he wants to provide for me) but I don’t want him to be in the least bit responsible for my personal debt. I have a car I can’t afford but can’t get rid of because I owe twice as much as its worth, 2 student loans, and then the growing amount I’ve racked up on my credit cards – he shouldn’t have to worry about my responsibilities. I’ll figure something out, I always do, but the pressure to keep the wolves from the door is making me miserable right now.

All this stress has turned me into a hideous monster – at least in my eyes. My skin is horrible; I seem to have a new break out everyday. My hair looks dry and stringy. I’m tempted to cut it all off, the only thing that’s keeping me from doing so is the fact that it’s the longest I’ve been able to grow it since I was little girl and I can’t bear the thought of starting over again. I feel fat and puffy; I weight more than I ever have in my life. All in all I look in the mirror every day and cringe. My period is more than a week late this month, but I have a feeling it’s just due to stress.

OK. Now that I’ve gotten out all – or at least most- of what’s been bothering me I’ll try to lighten up a little.

It’s been a week since I wrote the above portion, and my memory of the month is quickly fading so I’ll try to put down all the major points before they’ve completely disappeared.

I’ve debated on if I should write this down or not, worrying about hurt feelings. But it’s about hurt feelings – my hurt feelings, and I feel like it’s important for me to express how I felt. When I read the email stating that you had gotten married, I broke down and cried. I was saddened that I wasn’t able to be there with you, but took solace in the fact that you were on the other side of the planet, and it would have been impossible for me to have been there. For months I had a feeling that you and Doug would soon make it official, but I guess I had always imagined that in some way you would want me to be a part of it. I was heart broken when you told me that you’d actually done it before you’d left the country – and then kept it from me. It made me feel that I wasn’t important enough to you to share in the experience or even confide in me. I felt, and still feel that it was a very selfish action. I understand that the action and the ceremony is truly about the two people making the commitment; and it should just be about the two of you, and I truly want you to be happy. But our lives are intertwined, no matter how far apart we are. I wish you would have given me the chance to celebrate with you – even if it was from a distance, be happy for you, process things in my head. But what’s done is done, and although I am still hurt, there is no use dwelling on it. There. I said what I need to – I feel better now.

Christmas was wonderful. I hate to say this, but I think it was the most memorable holiday I’ve had since I was a child. I’ve never been a big fan of the season, I can’t explain why, but depression usually hits me like a brick around Thanksgiving and lasts until after the New Year. But this year I didn’t shed a single tear – except Christmas Eve when I opened Chris’s gift. We were all very spoiled, we got more than we need, and now I’m worried about the money that was spent, but since it was essentially my first Christmas, and Chris’s first one in a while I guess it’s alright that we overdid ourselves.

Well, I have lots more to say, but it belongs to another post, so I’m going to say goodbye for now.

O' Christmas Tree...

My boy presenting my very first Christmas tree.

Newsletter: November 2008

Another month has come and went, I can’t believe how time flies.

This month was filled with ups and downs, but I guess most usually are. It started with being able to watch history take place as the first African-American President was elected. I was unable to register in time to vote, but Obama would have been my choice, so I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve heard many say that they are now afraid of what’s to come, but I think that either of the candidates would have a long, tough road ahead of them to straighten out the country’s future.

I’ve also attended church a few times with Chris and his family. I appreciate and enjoy the community environment, but I still have reservations regarding organized religion, so sitting through the services is sometimes difficult. This church is based on their belief in the bible, and that it was written as a history; whereas I believe that it is more or less a book of stories written to inspire and teach morals and values in their telling. Also, I have an issue at the commercialization of the services – I swear that once they asked us to take out our wallets three times in the span of an hour. Chris and I have discussed trying out a few different churches to see if we can find one that we are both more comfortable with.

Little Annie Pants has been making “puddles”. She seems to do it when I have been away for more than a day & she needs some attention. I am going to refill my pheromone diffuser and see if that helps, and I’ve been putting all the things that she likes to mark (pillows, blankets, etc…) put away when I’m not there – that seems to help. I also think things will improve once Chris moves in and I’m not gone every other night. Last week Annie swept her tail over one of my candles and singed half of her hair off. It didn’t hurt her, in fact she didn’t even notice it, but it really stunk up the bedroom.

The last week of the month was an expensive and emotional one. I hit a curb and destroyed one of my tires. Because Olivia is all-wheel drive, you can’t just replace one tire, you have to – as stated in my warranty and owner’s manual replace ALL FOUR. Which of course, I can’t afford. Luckily, I was able to do 90 day’s same as cash financing – or not so lucky when you consider the financial disaster I’m already in – and I’m hoping I can pay it of with my tax return. That same day I got my first collection call for my condo. I’ve been expecting it, but it was still like a blow to the head. Chris played the role of the hero and got on the phone with them – after they had called close to 20 times over the week and told them not to call any more – and they haven’t called since! The day before Thanksgiving I found out my cousin is pregnant and had myself a good cry. I know that if I’m meant to have a baby it will happen when the time is right, but that doesn’t make it any easier when those you know are being blessed with the one thing you truly want.

Thanksgiving was a great day. Lots of good food and family and friends. Our friend Roxy came by with her little girl Dolla, and Rhonda brought Jamie over in the afternoon. The boys have been teaching me how to play video games, and we spent a lot of the day in front to the TV, controllers in hand. Long after my bedtime I head home and let the boys play into the night since I was the only one that had to work the next day. After work, I picked up Jamie’s Christmas present and Chris and I locked ourselves in his room to wrap presents. Afterward we all sat down to play a game of monopoly – it’s probably been 20 years since I’ve done that!

I’m actually really excited for Christmas this year; we’ll have Jamie Christmas Eve night, so we’ll all be together to open gifts in the morning. I can’t wait to see their faces. This weekend I’m getting my first adult Christmas tree. Chris wants to go out and cut our own – I haven’t done that since I was little, but if he ends up working I’ll probably just go and buy one. It’ll be interesting to see what the cats do… I’ll let you know next month how many times the tree gets knocked over.

On election day

Let no one be discouraged
by the belief there is nothing one man or woman
can do against the enormous array of the world’s ills --
against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence
… few will have the greatness to bend history itself,
but each of us can work to change a small portion of events,
and in the total of all those acts
will be written the history of the generation.
It is from numberless, diverse acts of courage
and belief that human history is shaped.

Each time a person stands up for an ideal,
or acts to improve the lot of others,
or strikes out against injustice,
he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope,
and, crossing each other from a million
different centers of energy and daring,
these ripples build a current
that can sweep down the mightiest of walls
of oppression and resistance.

By Robert F. Kennedy

The fortune cookie says...

To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe.