Attention Shoppers!

Here is some friendly advice that may improve your grocery shopping experience:

• 
  If you feel that it is not necessary to assert proper hygiene practices to buy groceries, please remember that although your sense of smell may be disabled, those you come into contact with may not appreciate you personal aroma.
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  It is in no way, shape or form acceptable to touch your friendly neighborhood grocery associate. While friendliness is a job requirement, it is not an invitation to embrace, slap, grab, or initiate any sort of physical contact.
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  If you choose to bring young children to the store, and are unable to keep them under control, please remember that we sell, duct tape and dog leashes.
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  If your infant child is shattering the pickle jars with it’s ear piercing wail, please do not continue with your shopping; leave your cart where it is and comfort your child in a location that will not inflict permanent hearing loss on complete strangers.
• 
  Please do not allow your child to remain in the cart during checkout if:
  You are going to hover over the cashier to ensure that your child is not price checked, scanned, and bagged.
  You can not insure that your cashier will not have to play tug-of-war with the merchandise.
  You expect your cashier to be a babysitter; there is an additional charge for this service.
  Your child finds it amusing to rock the cart, causing it to crash into your cashier’s legs. There is a $20 charge for each bruise that is inflicted.
• 
  Remember that not all of us are lucky enough to know a foreign language.
• 
  Although there is no prerequisite dress code for customers, please keep in mind:
  Short short/skirts should not be worn by anyone over 20
  Underwear was not intended to be seen
  Pants have waistbands for a reason
  Low-rise jeans were not made to store excess baggage
  Skinny jeans look funny on men
  Bras were made to be worn
• 
  Electric shopping carts are not amusement park rides
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  Isles were made for two-lane traffic. If you block both lanes you will receive a ticket.
• 
  Checks are obsolete. The debit/credit card slider is not your enemy.

Thank you for your time and cooperation.
- The Management