This is for you mom!
Today is gray and gloom; I guess that makes it the perfect weather for Halloween. Tonight I will be playing the role of the adult while Chris and Jamie go trick or treating. Chris is very excited to spend the holiday with his son; it’s the first one they’ve spent together on four years.
The first of the month marked the one year anniversary of the day Chris and I met. We celebrated by going to dinner; I gave him a new watch; he gave me a silver & diamond locket. It was a good night although it was marked by moments of my on-going depression.
In September I ran out of my anti-depressants. I was waiting until my new insurance came into effect to get a new prescription. I shouldn’t have waited so long. The result was the worst case of the blues I’ve ever experienced. I scared myself almost to death when I started thinking of ending my life. I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve thought “I just don’t want to do this anymore”, but this was the first time I’ve actually started planning how I could go about it. Don’t worry! I’m feeling much better now; I’m back on my medication and I found a new therapist.
Chris has proven himself over and over again to me through my emotional upheaval. I can’t tell you the number of times he’s just held me and let me cry. Or how many times he’s asked me how I’m doing only to hear me say “Not so good”, and accepts the fact that I can’t explain why.
On my birthday he showed up on my doorstep with a tiny chocolate cake and candles. I went to Church with the entire family; the first time I’ve attended a service on over 10 years. I can’t honestly tell you what I thought about the service; I was uptight and tense and I cried through most of it, with Chris’s reassuring arm around me. Afterward, Ken and Carolyn took us out to eat at the Olive Garden, where I preceded to drink too much wine. This of course means that I don’t remember much of the fist night that Chris stayed over at the apartment. But it really was a good day, I didn’t spend my birthday alone.
The rest of the month has flown by. Work, sleep, work, sleep. I’ve seen a doctor to get my medications, went to the OBGYN to check my plumbing, and found a therapist that I think I like, so I guess I’ve getting things under control.
I’ll let you know what happens next month….
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely…..
Right now I feel betrayed, hurt, and hopeless.
On Monday I made an appointment with a new doctor to help me get my emotions under control and my medications back on track. I was told my appointment would be today at 8:30 AM, and to print the new patient paperwork off of their website because they may not be able to mail them to me in time for my appointment. I got up and hour and a half early and made it into Spokane 15 minutes before my appointment. I walked up to the reception desk and was told that my appointment was for November 6 at 8:30, not today. I think she could tell how upset I was by this because she was able to find me an earlier appointment – a week from today. So I took my appointment card and headed for the elevator, holding back the tears. When I got down to the lobby I called my supervisor to see if I could come into work early, other wise I was just going to sit in my car and cry for an hour. I got in my car, took a “chill out pill” and tried to rationalize my feelings. I know that it was a clerical mistake, and not intentionally done to hurt or cause me harm. But the idea of going another week felling the way I do makes me want to melt into a sticky pile of Jenn on the floor that someone else is going to have to come along and clean up. “Ewe… what did I just step in?” “Oh, that’s just Jenn – she dissolved a little while ago, maybe we should grab the squeegee so she can finish disintegrating without anyone else stepping in her…”
I hate the fact that I need medication to make me feel normal. I hate that I’ll probably have to be on these medications for the rest of my life. I look at all the “normal” people that seem to get by everyday, to smile often, they appear happy, and I wonder how they do it. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a roof over my head, my fuzzy children, a warm bed to sleep in, I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever seen, I have supportive friends… so why am I so miserable? Why do I break down and cry for no reason at all? Then why do I turn abound and get so angry that I’m ready to throw things? Why do I push myself away from everyone I care about so that they don’t have to deal with me when I’m like this? Why can’t I allow myself to trust those around me that I know in my heart would be there and help support me through this?
I know one of my many flaws is that I’m an isolationist. I don’t want to burden others with my feelings or my needs. Also, I’m afraid to lean too hard on someone, I’ve had so many people walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor. It’s hard for me to trust that people will love me and accept me regardless, and be there when I reach out. But I’m learning to trust… hopefully the first person I’ll start with is myself.
On Monday I made an appointment with a new doctor to help me get my emotions under control and my medications back on track. I was told my appointment would be today at 8:30 AM, and to print the new patient paperwork off of their website because they may not be able to mail them to me in time for my appointment. I got up and hour and a half early and made it into Spokane 15 minutes before my appointment. I walked up to the reception desk and was told that my appointment was for November 6 at 8:30, not today. I think she could tell how upset I was by this because she was able to find me an earlier appointment – a week from today. So I took my appointment card and headed for the elevator, holding back the tears. When I got down to the lobby I called my supervisor to see if I could come into work early, other wise I was just going to sit in my car and cry for an hour. I got in my car, took a “chill out pill” and tried to rationalize my feelings. I know that it was a clerical mistake, and not intentionally done to hurt or cause me harm. But the idea of going another week felling the way I do makes me want to melt into a sticky pile of Jenn on the floor that someone else is going to have to come along and clean up. “Ewe… what did I just step in?” “Oh, that’s just Jenn – she dissolved a little while ago, maybe we should grab the squeegee so she can finish disintegrating without anyone else stepping in her…”
I hate the fact that I need medication to make me feel normal. I hate that I’ll probably have to be on these medications for the rest of my life. I look at all the “normal” people that seem to get by everyday, to smile often, they appear happy, and I wonder how they do it. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have in my life. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, a good job, a roof over my head, my fuzzy children, a warm bed to sleep in, I live in one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever seen, I have supportive friends… so why am I so miserable? Why do I break down and cry for no reason at all? Then why do I turn abound and get so angry that I’m ready to throw things? Why do I push myself away from everyone I care about so that they don’t have to deal with me when I’m like this? Why can’t I allow myself to trust those around me that I know in my heart would be there and help support me through this?
I know one of my many flaws is that I’m an isolationist. I don’t want to burden others with my feelings or my needs. Also, I’m afraid to lean too hard on someone, I’ve had so many people walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor. It’s hard for me to trust that people will love me and accept me regardless, and be there when I reach out. But I’m learning to trust… hopefully the first person I’ll start with is myself.
Friday, September 5, 2008
4 months
I haven’t done very well at keeping my promise to keep my website updated, have I? I’ve been up here for four months now, and this is the first time I’ve written. Life rolls on and takes up every second of everyday, no matter where you are.
I’m re-writing this because Chris gave his review of what I had so far, and thought that – as he put it, “its bullshit”. Of course, I’d only started writing it, and he hadn’t seen the direction I was going with, but I decided that it would probably be easier recap what my life has been like the last four months from the beginning, rather than work my way backwards, as I was doing.
Life is the same, but different in many ways up here. I work; I sleep; I read; I spend time with the cats; I worry about money. Same as always. (This is the part that Chris didn’t like – he emphatically states that my life is NOT the same – and I agree). What I was trying to do was contrast the differences and similarities between my life now and then... but that proved to take too much time, and I wasn’t really saying what I was meaning to, so I’m just going to type and see what I end up saying…
On May 2nd I said goodbye to my job and all my friends; I packed up my desk and closed the very long chapter of my life that had been ARUP. A few hours later I picked up Chris from the airport (his first flight ever!), gave him a quick tour of Salt Lake City, and took him home to introduce him to the “kids”. The next day we got up and ran some errands, picked up the truck and started loading up my life with the help of a few friends that were kind enough to help lift heavy objects. By late that afternoon, everything I own had been loaded into a very large Budget truck, and I left Utah forever. Myself, three cats, and a very cranky Chris (driving that big truck did not make him happy) spent the night somewhere in Southern Idaho, and then headed for Coeur D Alene in the morning. One we got there, the plan was for the cats and myself to stay in a motel until Monday morning so I could go sign my lease –but that idea flew out the window when I burst into tears with a panic attack when I realized that I was completely lost in a new city. Chris took me home to his parent’s and the two of us, and three fuzzy bodies hid in his small room for a very sleepless night.
I signed my lease on Monday, and was completely moved in my Tuesday. I had one week to get myself settled and organized before I started my new job on May 12th.
My new job… now that was an experience. I caught onto the work really quickly, and since I had prior laboratory knowledge, I got very little training. My supervisor left a copy of my doctor’s note on the copy machine for everyone to see, then just laughed about it when I told her. I got along well with a few of the girls, but otherwise felt like I was an unwelcome addition to the team. I didn’t feel like I was part of the team, and the fact that I wasn’t a permanent employee made me feel worthless and unappreciated. So I took the first opportunity I had to accept a full time (permanent) position in a department that I feel like I belong in. I get to deal with my friend in Utah everyday and I genuinely like spending time with the people I work with.
The first month I was here there was a lot of family drama. Chris’s brother was arrested on some pretty nasty charges, and it basically torn the family apart. Things have calmed down now, but there is still a trial looming, so I pray for the best possible outcome for this family that I have come to think of as my own.
Speaking of family, I was able to see almost all of mine when Chris and I went to my family reunion at the end of June. It was the first time I’d seen many of them in several years so most of them were basically strangers, but I got to spend time with my mom and grandma, and that made the whole trip worthwhile. What made it even better was the fact that I had Chris with me. It’s the first time in my life that I have someone that is not only willing to go to such a family function with me, but one that I am proud to introduce to the ones I love as the one I love.
I’m getting to know Chris’s 14 year old son. He’s a good kid, well – he’s 14 – so I guess for a 14 years old he’s a good kid. Since I met him four months ago his voice has started to change. I only see him every week or two, but each time his voice is lower, and lower. It’ll be interesting to see how he changes as he gets bigger; I think he looks a lot like his mother, maybe he’ll start to resemble Chris. Rhonda, Jamie’s mom and Chris’s ex, is a great lady. She and Chris get along great, so we all spend a lot of time together. She’s the only girlfriend I have so far up here.
Well, I’m starting to run out of steam here… not much else to talk about. You’d think I could write more than just a few paragraphs with as much time as I’ve had, wouldn’t you?
I’m re-writing this because Chris gave his review of what I had so far, and thought that – as he put it, “its bullshit”. Of course, I’d only started writing it, and he hadn’t seen the direction I was going with, but I decided that it would probably be easier recap what my life has been like the last four months from the beginning, rather than work my way backwards, as I was doing.
Life is the same, but different in many ways up here. I work; I sleep; I read; I spend time with the cats; I worry about money. Same as always. (This is the part that Chris didn’t like – he emphatically states that my life is NOT the same – and I agree). What I was trying to do was contrast the differences and similarities between my life now and then... but that proved to take too much time, and I wasn’t really saying what I was meaning to, so I’m just going to type and see what I end up saying…
On May 2nd I said goodbye to my job and all my friends; I packed up my desk and closed the very long chapter of my life that had been ARUP. A few hours later I picked up Chris from the airport (his first flight ever!), gave him a quick tour of Salt Lake City, and took him home to introduce him to the “kids”. The next day we got up and ran some errands, picked up the truck and started loading up my life with the help of a few friends that were kind enough to help lift heavy objects. By late that afternoon, everything I own had been loaded into a very large Budget truck, and I left Utah forever. Myself, three cats, and a very cranky Chris (driving that big truck did not make him happy) spent the night somewhere in Southern Idaho, and then headed for Coeur D Alene in the morning. One we got there, the plan was for the cats and myself to stay in a motel until Monday morning so I could go sign my lease –but that idea flew out the window when I burst into tears with a panic attack when I realized that I was completely lost in a new city. Chris took me home to his parent’s and the two of us, and three fuzzy bodies hid in his small room for a very sleepless night.
I signed my lease on Monday, and was completely moved in my Tuesday. I had one week to get myself settled and organized before I started my new job on May 12th.
My new job… now that was an experience. I caught onto the work really quickly, and since I had prior laboratory knowledge, I got very little training. My supervisor left a copy of my doctor’s note on the copy machine for everyone to see, then just laughed about it when I told her. I got along well with a few of the girls, but otherwise felt like I was an unwelcome addition to the team. I didn’t feel like I was part of the team, and the fact that I wasn’t a permanent employee made me feel worthless and unappreciated. So I took the first opportunity I had to accept a full time (permanent) position in a department that I feel like I belong in. I get to deal with my friend in Utah everyday and I genuinely like spending time with the people I work with.
The first month I was here there was a lot of family drama. Chris’s brother was arrested on some pretty nasty charges, and it basically torn the family apart. Things have calmed down now, but there is still a trial looming, so I pray for the best possible outcome for this family that I have come to think of as my own.
Speaking of family, I was able to see almost all of mine when Chris and I went to my family reunion at the end of June. It was the first time I’d seen many of them in several years so most of them were basically strangers, but I got to spend time with my mom and grandma, and that made the whole trip worthwhile. What made it even better was the fact that I had Chris with me. It’s the first time in my life that I have someone that is not only willing to go to such a family function with me, but one that I am proud to introduce to the ones I love as the one I love.
I’m getting to know Chris’s 14 year old son. He’s a good kid, well – he’s 14 – so I guess for a 14 years old he’s a good kid. Since I met him four months ago his voice has started to change. I only see him every week or two, but each time his voice is lower, and lower. It’ll be interesting to see how he changes as he gets bigger; I think he looks a lot like his mother, maybe he’ll start to resemble Chris. Rhonda, Jamie’s mom and Chris’s ex, is a great lady. She and Chris get along great, so we all spend a lot of time together. She’s the only girlfriend I have so far up here.
Well, I’m starting to run out of steam here… not much else to talk about. You’d think I could write more than just a few paragraphs with as much time as I’ve had, wouldn’t you?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Reconnected
I know, I know, it's not impossible to go a week without cable & internet, but it sure has felt like I've lost touch with the world for a little while.
Well, I'm here. Getting settled in my new apartment; getting to know my new "family"; getting to know my new home. It really is beautiful up here but it's colder too. It's rained everyday so far. That's something that I'll have to get used to...
I promise I will keep this site updated. I have lots of things to tell you about, but I have alot of things to catch up on myself... talk to you soon!
Well, I'm here. Getting settled in my new apartment; getting to know my new "family"; getting to know my new home. It really is beautiful up here but it's colder too. It's rained everyday so far. That's something that I'll have to get used to...
I promise I will keep this site updated. I have lots of things to tell you about, but I have alot of things to catch up on myself... talk to you soon!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Crying
Sometimes it hits me, right out of the blue, that I'm not the person that I thought I was. I'm not the independant woman that is OK doing everything by herself. I'm not the one that is perfectly content with her feline compamionship. I'm the woman that is sitting here in tears because my heart is hurting. I'm the one that has finally let someone get so close that I can't imagine continuing to live the life that I have known for so very long...
Last weekend
I had an amazing time this weekend. On Friday I flew from Salt Lake to Seattle to Spokane, where I took this amazing photo:
From the airport I drove to PAML for my interview:
Then I drove from Spokane to Rathdrum, where I hung out with Carolyn and Ken until Chris got home.
On Saturday I got the official tour, we went to the lake:
Then we went to the park & took a walk:
Then we went to dinner and back home.
Sunday before I had to head to the airport, we took a few more pictures and said goodbye:
At the airport, I made an exciting discovery... They sell WINE in the giftshops! I bought this bottle just because I loved the picture:
From the airport I drove to PAML for my interview:
Then I drove from Spokane to Rathdrum, where I hung out with Carolyn and Ken until Chris got home.
On Saturday I got the official tour, we went to the lake:
Then we went to the park & took a walk:
Then we went to dinner and back home.
Sunday before I had to head to the airport, we took a few more pictures and said goodbye:
At the airport, I made an exciting discovery... They sell WINE in the giftshops! I bought this bottle just because I loved the picture:
Monday, March 24, 2008
Just on of the reasons that makes him so special...
I was having a really bad today, and he knew it, so the next thing I knew this came across my email:
Your smile is locked away in my mind
I picture your face when I need to unwind
I love you , sweet jenn, and i wonder just how
I lived for so long without your love, until now
when you get feeling stressed out, and you just want to scream,
Remember im here, and our loves not a dream.
I love you sooooooooooooooo much, my girl.
Your smile is locked away in my mind
I picture your face when I need to unwind
I love you , sweet jenn, and i wonder just how
I lived for so long without your love, until now
when you get feeling stressed out, and you just want to scream,
Remember im here, and our loves not a dream.
I love you sooooooooooooooo much, my girl.
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