Emotional Castaways

By Wray Herbert
http://www.newsweek.com/id/81229/page/1

In the 2000 film "Cast Away," Tom Hanks plays an obsessive, clock-watching businessman, Chuck Noland, who by a twist of fate finds himself stranded on an isolated Pacific island. Noland copes with his four years of social disconnection and loneliness in part by befriending a volleyball, which he names Wilson. He jokes with Wilson and confides in Wilson and mistreats Wilson, and at one point he even kicks his companion out of their cave like an angry spouse. When he finally and irretrievably loses his volleyball to the ocean currents, he cries, "I'm sorry, Wilson!"

We've all had fantasies about living alone on a tropical island, far from the din and pressure of modern life. But we should watch what we wish for, because in fact most of us would fare poorly in such isolated conditions. This has been shown time and again: people who live lonely and disconnected lives, even smack in the middle of a modern metropolis, are more depressed, more suicidal and have more physical illnesses than the rest of us. Such longing is especially poignant at holiday time. The lonely are in effect emotional castaways.

And how do emotional castaways cope? What cognitive tools do we have to salve the pain of loneliness? Psychologists are very interested in this question, and one emerging theory is that we do precisely what Chuck Noland knew intuitively to do. We "invent" people to keep us company, humanizing anything we can humanize—pets, supernatural beings, possibly even something as unlikely as a volleyball.

A team of psychologists recently decided to explore the "volleyball hypothesis" in the laboratory. Nicholas Epley, Adam Waytz and John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago and Scott Akalis of Harvard ran three different studies on the link between loneliness and anthropomorphism—the tendency to give human traits to nonhuman things like terriers and alarm clocks. Their findings shed some new light not only on human coping but on the unfortunate human tendency to dehumanize strangers.

The psychologists began by sorting out people who consider themselves chronically lonely from those who feel they are well connected with friends and family. In the first study, they introduced both the lonely and the connected to a few technological gadgets: For example, "Clocky" is a wheeled alarm clock that you must chase around the room in order to stop its ringing. "Pillow mate" is a torso-shaped pillow that can be programmed to give hugs.

Participants then rated each gadget on such traits as: "has a mind of its own" and "exercises free will" and "experiences emotions." They also rated each on nonhuman traits like efficiency and attractiveness.

The results were interesting but open to interpretation. Lonely people were much more likely than connected people to believe that pillows have emotions and clocks have intentions and schemes. But it could well be that people with pet clocks end up alone, rather than the other way around. So the scientists decided to look at loneliness a different way, and at the same time to broaden the study to include beliefs in the supernatural.

In the next study, the psychologists actually induced feelings of loneliness and disconnection in the lab. They tricked the college-age subjects into thinking they were taking a personality test, and then further deceived them into thinking a computer could make accurate life predictions for them based on their personality type. So some were basically made to believe that they would end up living lives of social isolation, while others learned that they would have lives full of rich social connection. Then the psychologists interviewed the participants to gauge their beliefs in God, the Devil, angels, ghosts, miracles and so forth.

The findings were clear. Those facing a life of loneliness were more apt to believe in supernatural agents of all kinds. As the authors write in the journal Psychological Science, loneliness doesn't turn atheists into fundamentalists, but it does appear to nudge people toward believing in various incarnations, some darker than others. Even bad company is company, it appears, and better than being alone.
Not surprisingly, the psychologists found the same pattern with pets. That is, people who were made to feel lonely were more likely to humanize their dogs and cats and hamsters than were people who feel well loved.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It depends on how you look at it. Clearly, humanizing Old Shep or an old baseball glove is a bit bizarre, yet it does appear to truly help some extremely isolated souls cope with their condition. On the other hand, the psychologists say, it's quite possible that some people are actually substituting such relationships for true human connection, perhaps because people are too threatening.

There is a more unsettling possibility, as well. If the human mind is wired to make lonely people hunger for connection, as these studies show, then the inverse is probably also true. That is, people who are not lonely, who are secure in their circle of friends and family, may be more likely to dehumanize strangers; they have no motivation to make further connections. So perhaps it's not entirely fanciful for an emotional castaway to befriend a volleyball, but for most of us the greater risk may be treating real flesh-and-blood humans as playthings.


I know, I know, I know! You can be quiet now....

Thought for the day

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
- Charles Dickens

I needed something really BIG to cheer me up…

I made a decision last night to put the money that Grandma had sent me to a different use. As she put it, she had some extra money, and wanted me to have it. She suggested that I get some needed work done on my care… but the more I thought about it, the more that sounded like something I didn’t want to do. I put in savings until I either decided what I was going to do with it, or needed it.

Earlier this week I got a call for my mortgage company; they are offering to refinance both my first and second mortgages, which will signifcantly lower my payment. Because of this, and just to help save my sanity, I have a maid service coming Tuesday afternoon to get my condo ready for the appraisal. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with the simplest of chores, and I was thinking of doing this just to help save my sanity, but now I have a legitimate reason to spend the money (it’s actually very reasonable…).

Now, on to the point of this story… I traded in my car & got the one I’ve been dreaming about for years!!! I used Grandma’s money as the down payment, and drove it off the lot this morning before work.

She’s a 2007 Subaru Outback, green with gray side molding, tan and black interior. She has approximately 18000 miles on her, still has the manufacturers warranty. She fully loaded: Power door locks, power windows, alloy wheels, trip odometer,
air conditioning, tilt steering wheel, cruise control, rear defroster, console, body side moldings, center arm rest, power driver's seat, CD player, AM/FM radio, bucket seats, anti-lock brakes, power mirrors, spoiler, roof luggage rack, heated seats, rear wiper, cloth seats, digital dash, 5 passenger seating, warranty,
rear shoulder harness, fog/driving lamps, lumbar support, split fold-down seat, manual shift mode (yes, I did cut & paste that from the dealer website). Besides what they have advertised, it has heated side mirrors and windshield, inside/outside thermometer (digital display on dash), MP3 hook-up, duel climate control, and a whole lot more that I can’t think of right now.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re concerned about my financial status, but I’d like to put this in perspective for you. To give you an idea of my state of mind lately… I was sitting in the dealership this morning and Lee called me, he wanted to check and see how everything was, and let me know that he was calling because one of my friends had left him a message stating that she was afraid I was going to hurt myself. She had gotten this impression because I of the state I was in yesterday, and the fact that I kind of said I don’t want to live anymore. Let me assure you, I would never hurt myself, I have told you this many, many times before, and I promise you this is the truth. But I have been at a very low point recently, I’m very lonely, and I miss you soooo much.

My decision to trade in my car for something I truly wanted, and really is a good investment, was partially driven by the need DO SOMETHING that would make a major impact on my emotional state. So please support me in my decision, and be happy for me, because I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

Grandma’s okay

I spoke with her this afternoon. She had just got home from the hospital, and was going to bed. She sound like she was in good spirits. I’ll keep you updated as I learn more…

Freaking out!!!

Earlier today I tried calling Grandma, but I only got her answering machine. I left a message that I was calling to check what the doctor had said, and if she was going to have her surgery...

Tonight I checked my home email (which I've only been doing about once a week) and found the following message from my aunt:

Jennifer I'm so sorry to have left you off the previous emails. This was yesterday:
I got a call this morning, 12/12/2007, around 6:30 am from St. Mary's ER. Mom called 911 with shortness of breath and throwing up blood. In the ER they put a tube down her nose into her stomach to drain out the blood, then moved her up to a step down ICU where she was scoped at noon. The doctor said she had an ulcer in her stomach and one in her small intestine. They were already healing and he has put her on meds to help them heal. She will be in the hospital overnight, released probably tomorrow evening. The doctor said it was probably due to ibuprofen. I have been rescheduling her pre-op appts, since they were for tomorrow, and with luck she will still have back surgery on the 18th. Not a real major thing, and so far, knock on wood, none of the doctor think it will keep her from the surgery. Her saw her doctor yesterday(Jerry took her) and he said she was fine to have the surgery. Anyway, will keep you posted.
Love, Becky

The next read:
Well, she will remain in the hospital tonight, and the surgery on the 18th has been canceled. Dr. Clifford, back guy, wants her to be healed and blood back to normal before he operates, after the first of the year. She is being keep today and tonight because her blood count is low. I was over at her house and listened to the messages, here are some phone numbers:
Becky..970-***-**** (deleted to maitain my family's privacy)
Deborah...970-***-****
Jerry Bob...505-***-***, cell 505-***-****
St. Mary's Hospital...970-***-****, room ***
She is doing very well, but ready to come home. Do not know what they will give her for the back pain. There is nothing anyone can do at this point and really nothing when she comes home. Just hope she is not a "BEAR" until the surgery. Will let you know if anything comes up or changes. Love, Becky

The last message was a new phone number to call grandma at the hospital...

So of course now I'm really freaking out. I'm feeling guilty because I didn't call earlier in the week. I'm wondering if I need to drive out there tomorrow. I feel like a terrible granddaughter because I haven't been very attentive to her lately due to my own issues that I'm currently dealing with. Here comes the guilt again...

I just spoke with both of my uncles - they both say she is doing fine & there really isn't any need to come out. She's supose to be home tomorrow, so I will call & see if she needs me...

God I hate being out here on my own & out of the loop!

Because I couldn't say it on the phone

By Heather B Armstrong
www.dooce.com
Thursday, December 13 2007
I was recently at lunch with a few friends, one who had just been diagnosed with OCD that manifests itself in a need to straighten up everything around her, and I was all really? That's considered OCD? Because I thought that was just considered BEING ALIVE. And because she hasn't ever read this website she asked if I had ever been treated for a diagnosis abbreviated with capital letters. I looked across the table at my other friend, someone who is very familiar with what I have written here, and she almost gagged on an ice cube. I nodded and then explained that I'm in ongoing therapy for what's called C-R-A-Z-Y.

I feel like I need to say something today, right now, about my feelings toward therapy and medication, because in the last couple of months I've watched several people around me suffer needlessly because they were either too afraid or too arrogant to take care of their mental health. And I guess I'm trying to understand why anyone would resist trying to work through an issue that is making their life miserable, and that maybe if I came out and talked about what I have been through and how I feel about what I've been through, that someone may feel a little less embarrassed about getting help.

I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, and I believe it started manifesting itself when I was in high school, maybe earlier. I didn't seek treatment, however, until my sophomore year in college when I was on the brink of dropping out, when I finally called my father and exposed a very dark side of me, explained that I did not have the ability to cope no matter how hard I prayed or tried to get over it. My mother had always sensed this about me, had watched bi-polar disorder wreck the lives of several of her brothers and sisters, and she had to convince my father to take this seriously. A week later I saw a therapist who prescribed Zoloft. That medication changed my life, lifted a dark cloud that had been tormenting me for years, and I stayed on that drug, healthy and happy and able to cope, up until Jon and I decided that we should try to get pregnant.

I never should have gone off that drug. I know this now, having suffered terrible postpartum depression that could have been avoided had I seen the red flags in my third trimester, had I taken early steps to deal with the symptoms. But three months after Leta's birth I was an inconsolable, suicidal mess. I was beyond repair, and all the drugs I tried in the following months would only make things worse: Risperdal, Ativan, Trazadone, Lamictal, Effexor, Abilify, Strattera, Klonopin, Seroquel. I couldn't sleep, couldn't unclench my jaw or hands, couldn't imagine how I would get through another ten minutes. After weeks of threatening to leave Jon if he had me committed to a hospital, I finally gave in and committed myself.

Because I was under constant supervision, my doctor in the hospital was able to give me therapeutic quantities of drugs immediately: 40mg of Prozac, 10mg of Valium, 2400mg of Neurontin. It was a combination he had given to countless women who had suffered postpartum depression, one that had worked time and time again. I felt a difference within two hours, and if you ask Jon he will tell you that when he brought Leta up to the hospital that afternoon to have lunch, he saw Heather for the first time in seven months, not that awful woman who liked to throw keys at his head. I truly believe that my doctor in the hospital saved my life. I owe that man my life.

In the years since my hospital stay I have tapered off Valium completely and now only take 300mg Neurontin at night. I still take 40mg Prozac every day, and here's where I cannot be emphatic enough, I will continue to take it or something like it for the rest of my life. I will not ever be off medication. I continue to see my therapist, not every week or even every month, but whenever I hit a road block and need someone to help me talk my way through it. Sometimes I have bad days, sometimes bad weeks, but the medication enables me to cope, to see a way out and over those times. I am not ashamed of any of this.

I think many people are afraid that if they take medication or even agree to see a therapist that they are in some way admitting failure or defeat. Or they have been told by their boyfriend or their mother or their best friend that they should buck up and get over it, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Well then, let me be weak. Let me be a failure. Because being over here on this side, where I see and think clearly, where I'm happy to greet my child in the morning, where I can logically maneuver my way over tiny obstacles that would have previously been the end of the world, over here being a failure is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the constant misery of suffering alone.

Yesterday I wanted to say this to someone but didn't because I'm afraid she will stop talking to me about certain things because I'm not telling her what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her that she is right and that if she ignores a certain very large problem it will go away. But I don't understand why being right is more important that being happy, why someone would go on living with a sick, nauseating swarm of junk in her stomach rather than trying to figure out how to fix it, because the act of even admitting that she feels this way is somehow a character flaw.

All of this is to say that I am a success story. I am a victory for the mental health profession. And if you're even the tiniest bit on the fence about therapy or medication or herbs or acupuncture or prayer or meditation, whatever it is that you would turn to try and pull your way out of sadness but are afraid to because of all that it would mean, here is this crazy woman in the Utah desert who admitted and accepted all of those horrible things about herself and in doing so found a better life.


Dooce is one of my favorite sites to visit. After having a particularly difficult yet helpful session with Lee this morning, I opened up her blog to see what she had to say today. This is a terrible time of year for me; the emptiness, loneliness, and depression that come with this season have been almost unbearable these last few weeks. The fact that she choose to share this story, on this day, touched me in a way I can’t describe. Knowing that I’m not alone in my feelings, that people understand, others have been through it, makes me feel slightly less lonely…Jenn

Another poem for me..

I told you I loved you today

Likewise, you told me you loved me back
Our future together has started
Verbal words can't possibly relay my feelings
Every time I think of you

Your heart will be safe with me and
Our love will flourish and grow
Until well after our lives have become one

January thru December, I will cherish you
Everyday, and show you how precious and
Necessary you are to my life, and how
Near you are to my soul
I love you baby, and I will never
Forget the hand that reached out to mine
Even to here, in the darkest place
Reach out and hold my hand, as I hold yours.

CBC2007

Round is a shape… but not the shape I want to be…

Due to the fact that I’m lazy, unmotivated, tend to eat a lot of junk, and all of these things have been compounded due to my poor health, I have recently become very unhappy with the roundness that is enveloping my body. In a three-week period, I gained 8 pounds! This motivated me to join the department’s team for the company’s "Biggest Loser" competition.
Here is my progress so far:

Starting weight: Friday 11/23/07: 152 lbs. (yikes!)
Week 1: Friday 11/30/07: weight 147.2 lbs.

I’m not proudly displaying these numbers, because there was a time when I was barely 120 lbs. & in the best shape of my life. Yes, I know I’m not 21 anymore, but the 33-year-old remembers the body I used to have… I’m putting this up because I want to show my progress & I can use all the support I can get.

Chapstick Kiss

I'm sending you a chapstick kiss
To show you that I care

I wish and pray to God above
That soon I will be there

You are the angel that is in my life
And I want to let you know

If you fall I will catch you, Jenn
You never have to be alone

From this day forward, it's you and me
Our hearts have found a home

I swear to you, my words are true
And girl I promise this

Together, we will be beautiful
Please, accept my chapstick kiss!
CBC2007

Slowly

You told me "It's just you and mom"
And it's always been that way

The lonliness that was your life
is gonce for good... today

Right now, it's true we are just friends
we have not been face to face

That's alright, the day will come
All in its time and place

Let's take it slow, lets do it right
No need to push or shove

It always starts with the best of friends
And slowly turns to love

I feel as though it's not just chance
Somehow... it's meant to be

That you, and Shirley and Herman too
you have all been sent to me!!

CBC 2007

HAPPY TOGETHER

Having someone you can be yourself around
Always succeeding in enjoying a smile together
Putting each other first
Partners thru the good and the bad
Yawning together as the sun rises (long nite)
Two against the world
Only you and me
Growing more together every day
Enjoying each others life experiences to become closer
Total understanding in just a look
Here I am for you
Everytime you fall, I’ll catch you
Reminding you how important you are to me daily
CBC 2007

He wrote this to contrast my ANRGY AND ALONE

A Horror Story

I went to the school tomorrow to take my entrance testing (which I scored 100% in each area), apply for financial aid, and register for classes. I had about an hour and a half to waste before I had to leave for work, so I went home. While I was sitting on the couth knitting, I heard a peculiar noise come from the sugar cage. Since I’ve known that Squiggle’s Joey would be emerging any day now, I thought perhaps that was what was happening, and got up to check. Just as I approached the cage, one of my males emerged from the sleeping pouch with the baby in his mouth. At once I knew something was terribly wrong. He scampered down to the bottom of the cage, where at first I couldn’t tell if he was cleaning it, or chewing on it. So I took one of their little blankets, and got it away from him, only to find that it’s little arm had been chewed off. It was dead. I know that it’s a sugar glider’s nature to cannibalize their young when they don’t survive, but I just couldn’t stand the thought of that. I wrapped the little thing up in the blanket, and disposed of his/her little body. It was a horrible sight and experience.

Dear Mr. President

I heard the greatest song today! It's one where Pink is voicing her opinion about the state of out nation, one that I share. As you know, I am not a fan of our "leader", I think he's done alot of damage to this wonderful country, and I will be releived when, a year from now, that he is removed from office. I read a bumper sticker the other day that said "Clinton ruined a dress, Bush ruined a nation".

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

How can you say

No child is left behind?

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Minimum wage with a baby on the way

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

Oh

How do you sleep at night?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

Coming soon...

Squiggle's Joey is going to be coming out of her pouch any day now! I'm going to document it's growth by posting pictures every couple of days. Today I could see a tiny little tail hanging out of her pouch!

Just thinking...

So, I’ve had a few things pop into my head over the last few days. The first is to maybe transfer my credits and start a veterinary technology program. The simple fact is that I’m not happy where I’m at right now, and I’m having my doubts as to whether or not I really want to finish my degree in laboratory science, or focus on something I may find more fulfilling. The second is that I might like to join a boxing gym. I really need to get into shape (I know, I know, round is a shape, but not the shape I want to be) and it kind of sounds like fun. There’s a local gym that I’m thinking about checking out. The question is whether or not I would actually go. Maybe I can convince my friend Diane to join with me.

Written just for me!

Let's Wish

Who is the girl from the Great Salt Lake
That has reached her hand out for me to take

It seems she has cast a spell on me
She is in my mind, she is all I see

I think she is sent from up above
She is full of honesty, truth and love

And I’ve been alone for quite a while
It sure feels good, she makes my heart smile

I know its time to live again
To see the sun, and to feel the wind

To open up my heart and soul
It takes two halves to make a whole

I’ll take your hand, Jenn, let’s walk awhile
Lets share a story, some wine, a smile

I want to know just who you are
Together let’s with upon a star.
CBC 2007


And...
My heart's been broken
My soul's felt hollow
But I'll never give up
Because it's love I follow!


It just goes to prove that beautiful things can grow in the ugliest of places.
Thank you Christopher

She's already gone...

Mom doesn’t leave the country for 11 more days, but she shut off her phone today, so it seems like she’s already gone. It’s kind of sad; you never realized how much you take the little things for granted until they’re gone. The simple convince of being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice whenever I need to; I don’t realize how much that means to me until I that time of year rolls around when communication with her is not so simple. I miss you already mom.

A Good Laugh

So Diane, Mykie, and myself were coming back in from break, waiting for the elevator. Mykie (a very gay man) had to straighten the hood of my sweater, apparently it was inside out and driving him crazy. Diane made a comment, "Oh Michael, you’re so good to your woman, always making sure we look put together". To this Mykie makes a funny face, and says… Sorry ladies, I’m strictly dickly! and does his little "gay" wave.

Diane was doubled over she was laughing so hard – I hope he realizes that he now has himself a new nickname!

Patience

Patience
They say patience is a virtue.
It’s not one of mine.
An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
Those that know me would laugh.
I hate waiting.
I want what I want when I want it.
Instant gratification.
Right here.
Right now.
Why must you make me wait?

Destiny

Walk any path in Destiny’s garden, and you will be forced to choose not once, but many times.
The Paths fork and divide. With each step you take through Destiny’s garden, you make a choice; and every choice determines future paths.
However, at the end of a lifetime of walking you might look back and see only one path stretching out behind you; or ahead and see only darkness.
Sometimes you dream about the paths of Destiny, and speculate, to no purpose.
Dream about the paths you took and the paths you didn’t take…
The paths diverge and branch and reconnect; some say not even Destiny himself truly knows where any way will take you, where each twist and turn will lead.
But even if Destiny could tell you, he will not.
Destiny holds his secrets.
The Garden of Destiny. You would know it if you saw it. After all, you will wander it until you die.
Or beyond.
For the paths are long and even in death there is no ending to them.
Destiny of the Endless is the only one who understands the garden’s peculiar geography, distinct from time and space, where the potential becomes the actual.
Destiny knows the book he carries is as much a guide to the garden as it is
the minutiae of future-past.
Destiny has no path of his own. He makes no decisions, picks no branching ways; his way is laid out, drawn and defined, from the beginning of time to the end of everything.
-Neil Gaiman, Season of Mist

Though for the Day

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
- Abraham Lincoln

Today's horoscope

Find a reason to celebrate Jenn. Even if there is not necessarily a good reason, celebrate anyway. Celebrate life, celebrate your friends and loved ones, and celebrate the air that you breathe. There is exuberance in the air that is encouraging you to take a good look at life, and be more appreciative for all the things that you have. Give generously of yourself and your resources. What you give out will come back to you several-fold at a time when you need it the most.

Catching up on the first part of this month...

So a lot has happened since the start of this month, but I’ve been unable to write about them all until now. So here’s a day-by-day account of what’s happened in my life so far during October…

Monday, October 1
I took this day off so that I could finish cleaning my condo in preparation for mom’s visit. I got a lot done, and was pleased with myself for getting almost everything I needed to accomplish. The one thing that didn’t make me happy was that I was careless when vacuuming & wrapped the cord to my phone charger around the spinney wheel thing & ruined it – now I have to charge my phone in the car!

Tuesday, October 2
I came into work to find that I had not been informed of an additional PRS meeting that had been held earlier that morning. The meeting was to inform us that each of us were being assigned a certain time to devote solely to the queue, and another time to monitor the BCSM to make sure everyone is on the phone. Each PRS was assigned 1 hour a day for each task – that is everyone but me. I got 4 ½ hours each day, during which I’m supposed to take calls and keep any eye on everyone else, plus take care of the voicemails & emails, take care of my incoming problems, not to mention all of my other duties. Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy; when I went to talk to those above me about this, I was told that I wasn’t taking enough calls and it was implied that I wasn’t doing enough during the evening to help out. So, basically I felt alienated because I had not been included in the meeting and unappreciated because it was viewed that I don’t work hard enough.
That day I also came across an add for a male Joey that need to go to a good home because the family that bought him had just found out that their son had severe medical problems & would have to start chemo – they weren’t going to have enough time to spend with the little guy. So that night after work I drove all the way out to Tooele to pick him up, the family seemed pleased that I had so much experience with sugar gliders, and said they felt great about sending him home with me. When they took him out of his bonding pouch, he got spooked & jumped to the floor (this little tidbit of information will become important in the next few days…)

Wednesday, October 3
I came into work for my last day before a well-deserved vacation. I barely made it through the day. My frustration kept building toward my unhappiness with work, and I found myself looking through other positions that are available in the company. I was so frustrated that after I left, I went and bought a suit so that I could start interviewing for a job that I would be happy in. When I got home, I caught Manny peeing on the carpet again. This broke my heart because I had promised myself that if I caught him in the act again, I would put him down. Being an older cat, his chances for adoption are slim, and the behavioral problems that he had started exhibiting (peeing on the carpet whenever I paid attention to any of the other critters in my home) would make his chances for adoption almost impossible. Part of me feels like a monster for making this decision, he had been with my for over seven years, and all & all is a good cat, but now that I’m a home owner, I have to consider that fact that his behavior affects my other animals, and it affects my property values. I’d already spent hundred’s of dollars in cleaning the carpets since he’d started doing it, and after talking to the vet, I knew that once a cat starts this kind of behavior, it is rare that they will ever stop.

Thursday, October 4
I got up early to finish picking up the house & got ready to pick mom up from the airport. She called when the plane got in & I jumped in the car to go get her. As we headed for home, I told her that I was going to have to call the vet when we got home, we had discussed the problem with Manny several times over the last few weeks. When we got home I called Dr Whitty & he said he would be able to come by at approximately 12:30. In the meantime mom and I ran to an office supply store so that she could buy some of the things she would need to teach her class the following night. We got back to the condo, and I tried to spend as much time with Manny as I could, I held him, and took pictures, and tried to let him know that I loved him. The vet showed up a little late, and he confirmed that there weren’t a lot of options when it comes to this behavior, we could do blood & urine work to rule out any medical problems, and try some anti-anxiety drugs, but that rarely works. So I held him and loved him as they injected him with Phenobarbital, and in less than a minute, my beautiful boy was gone. Both mom & me sat and cried and cried, then we went and got some wine and did some more shopping. When we got home I took out the new baby so that he could start getting used to his new home & me. It this time I noticed that something seemed to be wrong with one of his little legs. He didn’t seem to be able to use it at all…

Friday, October 5
I had a 10am appointment with Lee, so I had mom drop me off, which allowed her to go run a few errands. I also had little Izzy with me, something in me sensed that something may be wrong with him, and I wanted to keep him close. Lee and I discussed at length how unhappy I was at work, and that it may be in my best interest to find a position either within out outside of the company. After that mom and I did some more running around town, then headed home so she could prepare for her class that evening. I kept little Izzy with me, even took him in the bathroom while I took a bath. While I was getting ready, I placed his pouch on a heating pad, but when he pushed off of it, I put him back in his cage for a little while. Just before mom and I were ready to leave the house, I checked in on him – and he was gone. I don’t mean physically, his little lifeless body was balled up in his sleeping pouch. I lost it that’s the only way I could describe it. Now that I can think rationally about it, I think that what happened is that when I jumped to the floor that first night he broke his leg or back…. Mom took his little body from my hands & wrapped him in a little blanket, then placed him in a box & put it in the freezer until I could decide what I wanted to do with him. Then we stopped by Harmons and I told them I wouldn’t be able to work that weekend due to a death in the family (it was true…). Then we headed to the Four Winds so mom could set up for her class. While she did that I went across the street & bought myself a hat – probably just to make myself feel a tiny bit better (didn’t work). No one showed up for her class, so she did her presentation for me and then gave me a foot massage. From there it was back home to drink lots of wine.

Saturday, October 6
I slept in while mom went back to the Four Winds to clean up. That night I had a dream about Bonnie and my ferret – I kept yelling at her to bring my ferret back (when we ceased to be roommates so took my ferret to her mother’s house since it was her cage, without consulting me about it – told me she would bring her back when I got a cage of my own, but I never heard from her again). When mom got home I took the car and adopted a ferret. I know that sounded like a rush decision, but I had this huge hole in my heart, and I needed something to fill it with. So I introduced Shirley to the rest of the family while I set up a new big cage. Mom had her doubts as to this being a smart decision – but by the time she left I think she was in love – she kept calling her the “long skinny rat”, but she would laugh and laugh when she watcher her play with the cats. She’s a tiny little thing and is considered to have a “cinnamon” colored coat



Sunday, October 7
We didn’t do much on this day. We went to the Golden Braid and the Dancing Crane stores, then just watched movies and played with the ferret. During mom’s time here, she made a friend. Whisper, my little deaf boy has never been one to cuddle or put up with being held. But he really took to mom; crawling up on her lab, following her around… purring! In the four months that he’s been here I’ve only heard him purr once, but his motor was on the entire time she was here!









Monday, October 8
On Monday we visited a lot of little shops; in one of them I bought a beautiful print to hang in my bedroom. Then I dropped mom off at the Four Winds where she was going to give a foot massage to one of the owners for her birthday. After that we went out for my birthday dinner at Rodizio Grill (mmmmm…).

Tuesday, October 9
I this was the day I had a pretty bad headache, so mom spent a lot of time at the storage unit going through her stuff. She brought me back her good dishes to use – they might as well be used instead of sitting in a box. I also asked her to bring back some of our old family pictures so that I could hang them on my wall.

Wednesday, October 10
Mom helped me load up the car with all the boxes and household items that I wanted to donate to the DI. We went out for an early dinner – we had planned to go to our favorite Thai restaurant, but they were closed in-between lunch and dinner & neither of us could wait two more hours to eat. So we settled on Olive Garden soup & salad.

Thursday, October 11
I woke up on my birthday and got ready to take my mom back to the airport. I thought saying goodbye would be really difficult, since we only see each other about once a year, but we had such a good time together that I was able to drive away without shedding a tear. When I got home I let Shirley out of cage to play. A few hours later I had to get ready for my appointment with Lee, so I stuck the ferret back in her cage and headed out the door. For some reason, I really didn’t enjoy this day’s session – therapy isn’t always easy, you end up hearing, and realizing the truth about aspects of yourself that aren’t always pleasant. I let him read the beautiful letter that mom had left me that morning (she told me that once a psychic had told her that I was burnt at the stake for witchcraft in a former life, and because of this I now repress the intuitive gifts that I possess). Lee’s comment about that is that’s what I’m going through now – I’ve recently been burnt (emotionally), and therefore have withdrawn from society. He also said that I overcompensate for my lack of human relationships by being such an animal fanatic – yes, it’s true, but it’s hard to hear. After that I went to the mall to get a new nose stud & ended up being hit on by a 23 year old! I know he was actually just trying to sell his skin care products, but it made my day anyway. Then I picked up some dinner, went home, watched some TV, and went to bed early. All in all, it was a pretty good day.

Friday, October 12
Today was my day to relax and do nothing. I slept late (and in my own bed – I’d given mom my room & slept on the couch or floor for a week). Then I ran to pick up my prescriptions, pay a bill, and stick my letter in the mail. Then I went home to lie on the couch.

Saturday & Sunday, October 13 & 14
Went back to work these two day (at the grocery store) – and it wore me out! It’s tough going back to work after having nine days off.

Monday, October 15
Back to work at the lab. While I was out it was announce that my good friend Diane had been given the night lead position. I am extremely happy for her, and think that having her there at night will take a lot of the pressure off of me. She told me that the whole reason that she applied was so that she could work more with me. But I was disappointed at the same time because the only reason I didn’t apply for the position was that I have only been a PRS for a short time, and didn’t think I would be considered – but Diane has been a PRS for a lot less time than me… so I lost out on a position I wanted just because I didn’t try! I also decided on this day that Shirley needed a friend. With me being gone during the day, she is alone in her cage – probably staring out at Ramona yearning to play. So I left work a little early & picked up the little boy that I had almost chosen over Shirley. His name is Herman & he’s a BIG boy – he’s twice her size! He has a silver coat and fits right in with the rest of the “pack” at home.

Goodbye my loves

I’ve had a tough couple of days. On Thursday I had to have Manny put to sleep. This beautiful boy that has been my friend & companion of eight years developed some behavioral problems that there was no cure for. Then on Friday, little Izzy passed away. I’m not sure why, but those are the chances that you sometimes take when rescuing animals in need.
Goodbye my friends, I will always carry you in my heart.

The newest mamber of my little family

I would like to introduce everyone to Izzy. He's a 14 week OOP baby that came home with me last night. How he came to me is actually a sad story, but he will have a long happy life with me. He's barely been handled, so he's going to need a lot of extra attention, but who couldn't love a face like this?

The Changing of the Seasons

There’s a chill in the air. The colors are changing. Everywhere you look someone is bundled in a warm jacket. Air conditioners have been turned off. Furnaces are flaring up all over the valley.
Fall is here.
How can it be here already? How is it possible? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I had to go out & buy an air conditioner because by place was so unbearably hot. Wasn’t it just a minute ago that my little Karma was curled up in bed with me, healthy & happy? Wasn't it just mere seconds ago that I knew who and where I was?
My life over the last few months has been a blur. Continuos repeat of rushing through one day to get to the next. Most days I have no idea what day of the week it is. Constantly overwhelmed with too much to do, and frustrated because I seem to get nothing accomplished.
I need change. I need life. What I have now is simply a form of existence. I breathe. I function. I think. I fumble blindly through each day. I exist. I do not live.
Depressions always seems to accompany the cold and gray skies of this season.

Show me some love...

I have a difficult job. But it's a job that I usually enjoy - most days. I deal with complicated problems and angry clients all day on top of being asked countless questions by my reps and handling my many assigned daily duties. I don't ask for much. I come to work, I do my job, I go home. I think I'm pretty good at my job, but it would be nice to hear every once in a while. Instead of "Hey Jenn, you did this and this and this wrong" how about "Thanks" or "you're doing a great job". This department is full of unhappy people. People that are leaving because they aren't receiving the praise that they deserve. Maybe management should rethink their recognition program...

Through my fingers...

Today I received my checks for my refinance. $14,000! I held that much in my hand for about the period of an hour. I paid off all of my credit cards and small loans, which does make me feel better about my financial situation, but it was horrific to hold that much money in my hands and know that I can't do anything fun with it.

Thought for the day

Men often hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they can not communicate; they can not communicate because they are separated. - Martin Luther King

Attention Shoppers!

Here is some friendly advice that may improve your grocery shopping experience:

• 
  If you feel that it is not necessary to assert proper hygiene practices to buy groceries, please remember that although your sense of smell may be disabled, those you come into contact with may not appreciate you personal aroma.
• 
  It is in no way, shape or form acceptable to touch your friendly neighborhood grocery associate. While friendliness is a job requirement, it is not an invitation to embrace, slap, grab, or initiate any sort of physical contact.
• 
  If you choose to bring young children to the store, and are unable to keep them under control, please remember that we sell, duct tape and dog leashes.
• 
  If your infant child is shattering the pickle jars with it’s ear piercing wail, please do not continue with your shopping; leave your cart where it is and comfort your child in a location that will not inflict permanent hearing loss on complete strangers.
• 
  Please do not allow your child to remain in the cart during checkout if:
  You are going to hover over the cashier to ensure that your child is not price checked, scanned, and bagged.
  You can not insure that your cashier will not have to play tug-of-war with the merchandise.
  You expect your cashier to be a babysitter; there is an additional charge for this service.
  Your child finds it amusing to rock the cart, causing it to crash into your cashier’s legs. There is a $20 charge for each bruise that is inflicted.
• 
  Remember that not all of us are lucky enough to know a foreign language.
• 
  Although there is no prerequisite dress code for customers, please keep in mind:
  Short short/skirts should not be worn by anyone over 20
  Underwear was not intended to be seen
  Pants have waistbands for a reason
  Low-rise jeans were not made to store excess baggage
  Skinny jeans look funny on men
  Bras were made to be worn
• 
  Electric shopping carts are not amusement park rides
• 
  Isles were made for two-lane traffic. If you block both lanes you will receive a ticket.
• 
  Checks are obsolete. The debit/credit card slider is not your enemy.

Thank you for your time and cooperation.
- The Management

Expectations

Last week Lee and I discussed the difference between expectations and what can be expected.
What the difference, right?
Expectations are little stories that we tell ourselves. Expectations are little scenarios that we allow to play out in our minds. Expectations set us up for disappointment; our fantasies rarely materialize into reality.
To turn expectations into what can actually be expected you must communicate your wants and desires. Once you get them out of your head and into the open, the illusions disappear.
So, to my readers: I have shared this address with you because you are someone that I care about and want to share parts of my life with. When I began this blog, it was simply intended to be an outlet for my feeling and for my eyes only. I poured my heart out, feeling the safety that I could not be judged for my expression. That changed when I started to share my blog with you. I have held back; I have used others words to express how I feel, buffering my emotions as to avoid judgement, ridicule, and resentment. I want no more of the false embodiment. I want to once again to be free with what I write.
Here is what I expect of you, as you read this henceforth:
Accept me for the person I am: a woman with a full range of emotions that strives to make more out of the life I have been given.
Refrain from judgement for having good and bad days; for speaking my mind, and having my own opinions; for making decisions based on my wants and needs; for being just like you.
I expect you to be the friends and family that I hold so near to my heart. Listen to me. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Talk with me. Love with me.
I am placing my trust in you.

Bye Bye Baby

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I sold my first Joey. I knew this day would come, but I had to chock back tears as I handed her over to her new family. I have a feeling that she’s going to a good home and will get all the attention she needs and deserves; I screened all that were interested pretty well, and I had a good feeling about this family. I just worry about tonight being the first night away from her mom and clan – poor little thing is going to be scared to death. I guess this is what it feels like to have your children grow up and move away…. even if your children aren’t human, the motherly bond is instinctive and it makes it hard to let go.

Thought for the day

Sometimes you just have to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.
-Dr Phil

Life

Life
Is this it?
Is this what it’s all about?
Is it nothing but an eternal struggle to make if from one day to the next?
Life
Is it this way for everyone?
Or are some just given an easy path?
Who or what determines which path each of us is to take?
How much control do we really have over the life we are given?
Life
Am I the only one that feels so hopeless?
Am I the only one that wants to give up?
Am I the only one that doesn’t dare to hope?
Am I the only one that expects the worst in all things?
Am I the only one that feels so very, very alone?
Life
Does anyone understand?
Does anyone feel the same?
Life
Will the meaning of life forever remain a mystery?
An unanswered question?
Something I may glimpse at, but never grasp?
Life
Am I just out of my mind?
Is it time for a rubber room?
Why does it not bother me that it’s a possibility?
Life
What are the things that make life worth living for?
Will I ever find the answers?
Life
Will I always feel like a woman in chains?
Will I someday grow my wings and break free of all that binds me to my misery?
Life
Is it wrong to envy the lives that others lead?
Life
Is is unreasonable to want more than just a few fleeting moments of happiness?
Life
Am I foolish to hope that one day I will find the life I live meaningful?
Life
Is this really all there is?

Today's horoscope

Do not think that by ignoring the problem that it will go away, especially if the issue concerns something that lies deep in your inner core. Don't try to rationalize or come to some sort of logical conclusion about your feelings. Things are not always linear and solutions aren't always found by approaching things in a cookbook manner. Sit with your feelings and be with them on a nurturing level. Find a release for negative emotions in such a way that does not place blame or guilt on yourself or others.

The Quotable Sandman

I wish I could claim these words as my own...

Things need not have happened to be true.
Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths
that will endure when mere facts
are dust and ashes,
and forgot.
- Dream

Sometimes we can choose
the path we follow.
Sometimes our choices
are made for us.
And sometimes we have
no choice at all.
-Dream

Destinations
are often
a surprise
to the
destined.
-Thessaly

Is there any person in the world
who does not dream?
Who does not contain within them
worlds unimagined?
-Narrator

It is a fool's prerogative
to utter truths
that no one else will utter.
-Dream

Little one, I would like to
see anyone - prophet,
king or god -
persuade a thousand
cats to do anything
at the same time.
-Orange Cat

Our existence deforms the universe.
That's responsibility.
-Delirium

We do what we do because of who
we are. If we did otherwise, we
would not be ourselves.
-Dream

When the first living thing existed,
I was there waiting.
When the last living thing dies,
my job will be finished.
I'll put the chairs on the tables,
turn out the lights,
and lock the universe
behind me as I leave.
-Death

Our sister (Death) defines life,
just as Despair defines hope,
or Desire defines hatred,
or as Destiny defines freedom.
-Destruction

Never a possession, always the possessor, with
skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and
sharp as yellow wine:
Desire is everything you've ever wanted.
Whoever you are. Whatever you are.
Everything
-Narrator

You got what anybody gets,
Bernie,
You got a lifetime.
-Death

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest
and it opens your heart and it means someone can
get inside of you and mess you up. You build up all
these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for
years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid
person, nodifferent from any other stupid person,
wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of
you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb
one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life
isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets
inside of you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in
the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we
should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns
into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in
the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-
inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should
be able to do that. Especially not love.
I hate love.
-Rose Walker

Love belongs
to Desire.
And Desire
is always
cruel.
-Old Man

Only the phoenix arises and
does not change.
And everything changes. And
nothing is truly lost.
-Narrator

That which is dreamed
can never be lost,
can never be undreamed.
-Master Li

I know how gods begin, Roger.
We start as dreams. Then we
walk out of the dreams into the
land. We are worshipped and
loved, and take power to our-
selves. And then one day there's
no one left to worship us. And in
the end, each little god and god-
dess takes its last journey back
into dreams, and what comes
after, not even we know.
-Ishtar

I like in-betweens.
-Delirium

This is why Neil Gaiman is my favorite author, he inserts the truth through his fantisized characters so that it may be heard by the masses that are his fans.

How am I?

I’ve been asked several times in the last couple of days – How are you doing? I’m not really sure how to answer that. I can’t describe how I am exactly, and even if I could, the reality of small talk is that the asker really doesn’t want to know. The question is simply a civility – something that expects a short, sweet answer.
I am no longer in the state of despair that I was a short while ago. But I can’t say that I really feel any better. I have my highs; I have my lows; but the majority of the time I feel nothing at all. Numb.
Part of me wants to jump up and down and scream "I want my life back!" But whenever that urge hits me I think, "Wait, what life?" What have I ever done that makes me truly happy? Do I even know what being truly happy is? If I do, I can’t remember… I can’t remember a time in my life when I have been perfectly content. I can’t remember a time when some sort of turmoil wasn’t occurring.
As part of my seeing Lee every week, I have come to accept that I place no value on myself. It’s a hard thing to admit. I’m sure it will be an even harder thing to resolve. I tend to take care of everyone, and everything, except myself. How am I to override my way of thinking; the way I have lived my life for as long as I can remember? I have hope that Lee will teach me the tools to do this, but that hope is overshadowed by my belief that it isn’t possible.
I have a talent when it comes to the written word. But in this situation, where I have so much I want to say and express, I can’t seem to find the words. I want so badly to share with those that care about me what I’m going through. I want them to understand so that they can support me during this difficult time. But I can’t put into words the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the frustration, and the general feeling of failure that I feel in regards to my life. In the same respect, I have no words for the sparse feeling of peace that I feel every morning when I sit on my front steps and listen to the birds, or the excitement I feel when I come home to all of the small furry creatures that are always happy that I am there. And I have no clue how to explain them emptiness that seems to overwhelm me on a daily basis.
So…. How am I? I truly don’t know – right now I’m simply surviving.

Plagiarized from Lost

Free stuff
Fake it. Take it. Use it. The advantage it gives is nominal in comparison to the greed it produces when pulled from wanton dreams…. The sadness….
Free stuff part II
For those of you who once loved someone but now don’t. Good for you. Loving hurts way too much and in the end it will be your ultimate downfall.
Friends
Why is it that one’s expectations never match up with another’s? Selfish pride mingled with a touch of regretful sorrow makes a good story. I guess I will buy it.
August
August is here. Looking back, the year has slowed to a mundane crawl. The goals and dreams of many have yet to materialize. Just beyond the grasp of the menial tirade.
What left is here to show hope for the final season before us. Fall is coming rapidly and yet winters cold grasp will be stayed for but a month in time. In this small second where time skips between moments, life slips quietly by.
Why do we miss the serenity that surrounds the silence between the torn violence that permeates each act of civil justice? The answers are there, plainly set before us yet we are never to understand what it states. The reality is too real for our understanding and screams to be hidden. We bury it in the cold earth.
Will it ever se the light of day? The decision lies with each individual. Can one person truly ever make a difference in a world that no longer contains any safe places?
Make a difference if you can. Reach out, yet be wary. There are those who lie in wait, seeking to lead you astray. Forever the night shall be when caught. Forever will it lead to paths unseen. Eyes that never forgive, lost on the site of something once thought beautiful.
Gone. It lies forever now in ruin.
August is here and the slow crawl of winter’s shill is behind the next window…
Forever is a long time… Right?

This week of events has left me somewhat mystified at the inner workings of fate and what we deem important in life. I laugh at the excuses people give when I know dame well they know better, I suppose it is human nature to rationalize what we should not and live in our self-made prisons rather than face the self-made tribulations.
I expect better of some. To know that you are used only for those tough times and never when things are going well does not sit well with me. I find it ironic that I get a call only when times are spiraling downwards; "so called" friends are there I am but an unseen ghost waiting in the background to be summoned upon a whim. It is sad to think that one would pick "friends" such as those over friends who actually care. Interesting, is it not?
However, as is the nature of balance, one friend leaves another one enters. I am always appreciative of new friends and new acquaintances and for new opportunities. Life has a myriad of mysteries to offer and the crux lies in determining which path to follow. Of course some lead dangerously close to edges best left uncharted and some lead to riches untold. Others lead to wanton desire while some lead to knowledge. All can be used for good or not. They are tools crafted over time by one willing to wield the risk.
As the weekend approaches I look back and am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my reality. The pain of the past becomes distant but is a continual reminder that without a challenge nothing can be gained nor can knowledge by put to the test. Nothing risked, nothing gained.
I am reminded of what comes next, the risk involved and the pain it could bring however the rewards can be worth it… Right?
Time will tell…

Fiction may just be better than real life… Maybe…
Full circle of undeniable loss that so drowns reality will flood with torrential life rain and soon you will be swept so far that hopes of ever returning will be lost.

Stylistic Motions of an Untamed Mind
From start to finish, I find each week passing quickly as though time itself is speeding by. The metaphysical passage of time does nothing to ease what lies in wait at each chasm. Only the crossroads of twilight offer resolution. Somber at best, it brings a slight glimmer of hope in a world where hope lies buried beneath the greed of physical substance…
As the fading light of day gives way to blank unseen waves of dark, a slight coldness can be felt if but for a small moment. A calming motion of liquid fluidity caught in a stream of unending solidarity.
As dreams float to the surface, a minimal path of resistance takes the shape of past weeks. The lives of thousands racing unswept across the barren wastelands of unliving thought. Change is necessary if not always wanted…

His writing touches me in ways I have no words for. He expresses the hopes, disappointments, and reflections that so often haunt my waking dreams. The poetry he inflicts on his words brings a chill across my skin and a hint of jealousy for his talent he possess that I do not.

I just wanted to share…

Through the lines...

Since I’ve been working on the weekends, I’ve encountered few people that have been a part of my life in one way or another.
I’ve seen several people that I currently work with during the week. Each time, I impulsively explain to them why I am working a second job. I think that part of me is ashamed to be seen there by the people that know me well enough to recognize that the mindless moneymaker is below by credentials and experience. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with working in a grocery store, but I know that I am far more capable and intelligent than to make a career of it.
One of the first weekends that I was there, I noticed someone that I once worked with going through another line. It was a woman that I had danced with during a time in my life that now feels like one of those dreams that you wake up from and can’t quite remember. This was almost a decade ago. But there she was… firm and trim as ever, with her tiny shorts and tank top, high-heels, a painted face complete with false eyelashes. A small streak of jealousy shot through me, I think because part of me wished that I was still in the shape I was back during that time that I could remember her real name. Then I felt ashamed, both for her and myself. Embarrassed for her because there she was, buying toilet paper, in full "work attire", drawing a lot of attention and funny looks. Ashamed for myself because I use to do the same thing. Maybe that’s part of what happens when you grow up; you are able to feel regret and sympathy for those that do the things you once did.
This weekend one of my favorite teachers came through my line. She was the one to recognize me. She was one of the three instructors during my SLCC time that had the most influence over me, one of the ones I will never forget. She expressed the same spirit that my mother possess, which There are certain people that touch your life in ways that you don’t realize until they are gone. She was such a source encouragement; the passion that she taught her classes with inspired me, and for that I will always be grateful.

The fortune cookie says...

You have a charming way with words and should write a book.

A series of unfortunate events...

So… I’ve had a number of mishaps over the last few days that I’d thought I should share.
Thursday morning the light bulb burnt out in my bathroom, and of course, I didn’t have any spares, so I had to shower in the dark.
Thursday night, I got home – really had to use the bathroom, and found that I had locked myself out – probably hit the lock while in the dark. So in a panic, I grabbed a screwdriver and removed the hinges – still couldn’t get it open. I found a paperclip, and unlocked the door (after all of the effort with the hinges).
Friday I went shopping and forgot light bulbs. I ended up taking one from a lamp I rarely use. So I get the bathroom put back together – the door back on it’s hinges and now I have light!
Friday night I was watching a movie and I hear a loud crash coming from the bathroom – apparently I didn’t secure the light cover securely enough, so now I have shards of glass all over the floor.
I cut my hand while cleaning it all up.
Saturday I found that I didn’t get all of the tiny pieces of glass picked up when I stepped out of the shower and cut my foot.
Sunday at work the day started out with me dropping a bottle of salsa all over the floor. Glass and muck everywhere.
About an hour later I broke my register. (Ok, I know I didn’t break it, but it broke while I was working on it)
So they move me to a new register, and I pick up a six-pack of beer and tear my thumb open on one of the caps.
And by the end of the night I had torn two of my fingernails down to the quick.
Then this morning I woke to find a terrible small in my house. I couldn’t find the source of it anywhere – until I stuck my hand in it. One of the fuzz-balls had an accident, and tried to cover it up with a shoebox lid. In the course of discovering it, not only did I stick my hand in it, but succeeded in smearing it all over the carpet.
It all just makes me shake my head a laugh – a combination of clumsiness and bad luck that has hopefully run its course!

Thought for the day

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. -Eddie Cantor

May we all be coffee...

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though just as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with
water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a
boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She
pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the
coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, 'Tell me what you see.' 'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the
carrots. She did, and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break
it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee...
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter
then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became
weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected
its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water,
its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were
in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks
on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?'
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity
do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the
hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the
water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the
bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do
you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a
coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you
was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling
and everyone around you is crying.
It's easier to build a child than to repair an adult...
May we all be COFFEE...

Thought for the day

I don't know tha key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

So much to catch up on!

I haven’t had a chance to sit down and write in a while, not because I don’t have a lot to say, I just haven’t had a lot of time – the little free time that I have had I would much rather spend doing something else. So instead of posting several different posts, I’m just going to put it all into one large one, so please bare with me! Here we go….
Mom’s out of the country again. She and Doug went up to Canada to visit some friends. She’ll only be gone for about a week, so I should be great full that it’s just a short trip. But I miss talking to her. It’s generally a daily occurrence, so I feel a little lonely when I want to hear her voice, but can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for her (as well as a little envious) that she now has the opportunity to travel and do all the things that probably seemed unimaginable to her for so long. I just miss her so much when she’s abroad.
I’ll be switching to my new hours on Monday. I’m excited and sad at the same time. With the exception of one person, I really like my team, and the thought that I will only be sitting with them for one more day really makes me sad. It’s not as though I won’t see these people with my new shift, but I won’t be working closely with them, and I know the bonds that we have formed will eventually disappear. But I'm excited to go back to the evening shift. The hours suit me better – you know how I hate mornings! Also, the hours actually allow me to make appointments and get things done that I either couldn’t, or would have to schedule time off for because the 9-5 shift doesn’t leave much lee-way to do things to go to the bank, go to the doctor, etc. because they are only open during the hours I’m stuck at work. I’m a little apprehensive about taking on a new team, but I’m sure we will all get used to each other.
My new part-time job has thus far cost me more than I have earned. I get my first check tomorrow, which will be pretty small since it only has about 16 hours on it, plus they will be deducting the cost of my pretty green Harmons shirt I have to wear. Other than that expense, I had to order a special "invisible" nose ring that I can keep in while I’m working, since they have a no-facial piercing policy, and it just hurts too much to take it out and put it back in again. The price wasn’t bad for that – I think I actually spent more for express shipping than I did for the jewelry. But the thing that really hurt was the shoes. I have two pairs of really comfortable shoes; a pair of white New Balance runners, and a pair of brown Sketchers. Unfortunately, the dress code requires black shoes – and I own no comfortable black shoes – at least not ones that are comfortable enough to make it through 8 hours of being on your feet. So I went on a quest to find a good pair of shoes. Went to four different stores. Everything that I found that I liked weren’t available in my size. The things that I did find in my size were either really ugly of didn’t have enough support. So I broke down and went to REI – they had the shoes I wanted, and in my size. Unfortunately they were $70 more than I had, but I ended up getting them (that’s what overdraft is for, right?). And they’re worth it – they are the most comfortable things I’ve ever worn, plus they’re real leather, and the brand is famous for its comfort and durability. Still, it freaks me out because I’ve never spent that much on a pair of shoes!
We finally got some rain! It had been over a month since we’ve had any precipitation. I was so excited last night when it started to pour that I ran outside and just stood there getting soaked. Then I got cold and came back in. Probably wasn’t the best idea since they had been announcing sever thunderstorm warnings and advising everyone to stay inside. But it felt wonderful!
Well, I think I should post what I have written so far, and finish up later...

Stardust

I’m so excited! Last night I was watching TV and happened to notice a trailer for an upcoming movie. Within the first few seconds, I knew that this was a movie based on one of my favorite books. Sure enough, the title of the movie is Stardust! I didn’t see that they had given my favorite author credit for it – no "based on a novel by Neil Gaiman", but there’s no doubt where the concept for the movie came from. Stardust was the first novel of Neil’s that I read, and it re-sparked my love of books and reading, so it holds a special place in my heart. I’m actually a little apprehensive to see the movie, but of course I will… I just hope I don’t end up disappointed – even with all of special effects, it will be hard to live up to the book.

What the Bleep Do We Know?

As part of the "journey" I have embarked on, it was suggested that I watch the above-mentioned movie. It’s kind of a documentary about quantum physics and the effect that our attitudes and beliefs have on our bodies. It’s a very interesting movie, but not something you’d watch for entertainment’s sake. I’ve decide to share some of the quote, questions, and other information that this movie presents…
Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone you have become?
The real trick to life in not to be in the "know", but to be in the mystery.
The brain does not know the difference between what it sees and what it remembers.
The only movie that is playing inside our brains is what we have the ability to see.
We can not see the things we have no knowledge of.
We choose our experiences; therefore we create our reality.
Addiction is the feeling of a chemical rush that has cascaded through our body.
"You live in the past. Everything with you is about what happened. You have too many memories clouding your vision."
God is the embodiment of the spirit of all things everywhere.
The brain does not know the difference between what it feels and what it remembers.
The concept of love is stored in a vast neuro-network. We build the concept of love from many different ideas. Some people have love connected to disappointment. When they think about love, they experience the memory of pain, sorrow, anger, and even rage. Rage may be linked to hurt which may be linked to a specific person which then is connected back to love.
We tell ourselves a story about what the outside world is.
Any information that we take in is always colored by an experience that we’ve had and an emotional response.
Emotions aren’t good. Emotions aren’t bad. Emotions are designed to reinforce chemically something into long-term memory.
There is a chemical made in our bodies that matches every emotion we feel.
The cell is the smallest unit of consciousness in the body.
If you can’t control the condition of your emotional state that means you must be addicted to it.
"So, how can anyone say they’re in love with a specific person? They’re only in love with the anticipation of feeling the emotions they’re addicted to. The same person could fall out of favor the next week by not complying."
We are emotions and emotions are us. Emotions are life. They color the richness of our experience. It’s our addictions that are the problem. Addiction to emotions aren’t just psychological, they’re biochemical. Heroin uses the same cell receptors that our emotions use, so it’s easy to see how we can become addicted to any emotion.
After years of emotional abuse on our cells, they become unable to absorb the needed vitamins and minerals they need, or expel toxins and waste.
Our thoughts and emotions affect our bodies.
A lot of problems that are labeled as psychological are simply a culmination of bad choices. People need to be instructed on how to make different choices.

Thought for the day

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere
- Frank A Clark

Thought for the day

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
- Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

Go to Hell!

Join me, won't you? I could use the company.

poems by Tony Erikson

oh wah ta jer ki'am
written 03-19-94
what is wrong in my mind
that i think
perhaps not every person i trust
is going to screw me
maybe i'm just naive
as a matter of fact i am
i'm trying to please everyone
except myself
so what's the problem
is it you
is it me
i don't make the rules
should i really care who does
i'm not being unreasonable
maybe a little
not much
not taking much stock
in appearances and such
i live for the day when i don't have anyone to impress
i can be my own person and it's alright
i can think how i want to
i can be who i am
but who am i
i'm not rational
i'm a putz
it's all a big blur and i think
oh what a jerk i am

loving intoxication
written 03-19-94
a grandiose thought though never conceived
a fluid motion thought never retrieved
a walk through my mind i never believed
in any situation i ever achieved
i brought in a butterfly covered in time
by a thick layer of warmth almost divine
why do the moments go running away
like so many cowboys pitch-forking hay
wandering through the fields that coat my mind
i find little words
that sum up every thought i ever anticipate having
and every situation i've ever been in
isn’t it peculiar that i want everything
i long for everything that i know that i cannot have
everything i may never have
sit awhile and hear my ramblings
you may learn something you thought you could not
true i may be impaired
i may be quite lost
but never have i felt so free to express all the feelings i feel
just me
so maybe you will know before i die
all the things that i think
or maybe i'm just drunk and not quite worthy of your praise
but i really don't care
do i
i love all the feelings i'm having
so is it a sin that i feel what i'm feeling
oh fuck it you win.

angry and alone
written 02-18-94
another day
no word
greedy self pity
reciprocated coldness
youthful rebellion
anyone hear me
no one cares
don't blame them
another day
lonely
overstepping reason
nightmares of the weak
emptiness remains

Thought for the day

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

ANGRY AND ALONE

Always trying so hard
Never succeeding
Growing more and more frustrated
Realizing that I am all alone
Yearning for someone to notice
Anyone care?
No one does
Dying a little more inside each day
Answers to questions that were never asked
Longing to understand
On the edge
No one will catch me when I fall
Everyone is so busy; I am irrelevant.

***This is an adaptation of a poem I can't quite remember***

My eternal struggle

My heart wants what it wants...
My mind knows what it knows...
My body needs what it needs...
My soul yearns for harmony.

So Now You Know

I’m a big Jeff Anderson fan, and this weekend I re-watched his movie with the above-mentioned title. There are two scenes that contain dialog that really strike a cord (where does that expression come from, anyway – and what does it really mean?) with me…
"Guys and girls are just two different animals. Cats and dogs, if you will. Guys are like dogs – not too bright, like to ride in cars, and they hump anyone’s leg two seconds after they meet them. Girls are like the cats – mysterious, kind of stand-offish, it takes a long time to win them over, but once you do, they’re all rubbin’ on your leg and purring – showing you the love you. Now – do cats love dogs? For the most part, no. Why? Because they’re two different animals. It’s unnatural. That’s not to say that there aren’t cats and dogs that do get along – but it takes special circumstances. They need to be raised together, or one of them needs to be blind or something…."

"I left because you took me for granted. I left because you didn’t appreciate me – because I was sick of feeling bad about myself because of you. You think that’s pretty ridiculous, don’t you? So did I at first. You keep saying that I’m the one that broke it off – we both know that’s not true. I’m just the one that said it out loud. You were scared? Scared of what? So you’re not cold and callus? You’re just stupid? Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through? Why couldn’t you just share your "big ideas’ with me? Instead you acted indifferent and made me feel like I was living in some fucking dream world! I’ve given you chances, and if you’re asking for another one – the answer is no. Because you lost me long before YOU called if off. When was the last time you brought me flowers? Or sent me love note? Or said ‘I love you’ before I did? I know you love me – and I know flowers and love notes don’t prove that you love someone – but it helps to reassure a person. It tells them that you’re thinking of them – for no reason at all. Now? You’re willing to start doing those things now? Don’t you understand that it’s too late? I don’t want anything from you now."

Just the way I am?

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about how angry I was with myself in allowing myself to believe in people before they have proven themselves worthy. She pointed out something to me that I had not previously considered. Both she and I have come from similar pasts – we’ve both visited places of addiction; we’ve both done a lot of things we regret. I won’t say that I was a bad person during these times (nor was she – but this is a story about me so…), but I was young and misguided; I was selfish, and immature, and most of my actions were dictated by low self-confidence and absolutely no self-esteem. And because I know first hand that people are capable of changing – of finding their path and making a good life for themselves, of "growing up", I tend to automatically believe that the people in my life are capable of the same (especially those from my past). Unfortunately, I have been repeatedly disappointed because the faith and trust that I automatically put in people. Maybe someday I’ll learn to be more cautious, but it’s a difficult thing to do when it’s simply part of my nature.

Today's horoscope

Is someone accusing you (of all things) of being too nice? Is that even possible? Okay, you want to dismiss this, but sit down and think about it. Could it be that there's a kernel of truth in this person's supposition?

It takes a silly old bear to make sense of my ignorance

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Kissing Karma

While typing in my new URL, I mistakenly left the blog portion of the address out. What I found was a website for a band from New York named Kissing Karma. Their music isn't exactly my taste, but a worthwhile discovery.
This prompted me to take a moment to explain why I chose the name and title for my new blog. If you know anything about me, you should be aware that I am a firm believer in karma. I believe that all actions that a person makes will somehow make an effect on their future. I believe that every action has a consequence; sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes so subtle that it can go unnoticed, but a consequence none the less. A person's thoughts, words, and actions not only affect their own life, but the world around them. There is an energy all around us; it touches us all. It is acknowledged with differnet names, different deities, differnet languages in most forms of religion and spirituality around the world. It's a simple concept... treat yourself, others, and the earth with respect. Live your life with integrity and dignity. Be willing to accept your mistakes, your short-comings, you flaws, and love yourself not inspite of these things, but because of them. Hold true to what it is that makes you an individual. Accept that life has purpose.
To me, "Kissing Karma" means all of what I have described above. It stands for enbracing life; not giving up when my world seems to be falling apart. It means that I am greatful for the experience. It means that I am greatful and proud to be all that makes me who I am. It means that everything that encompasses the person that I am was achieved not only by my own actions, but the actions, words, and thoughts of all that have touched my life. It means that I accept the responsibility that comes with everything I think, do, and say; as I effect the world as it effects me.

A terrible loss

I lost my closest friend yesterday. It may seem odd to some that I give this title to an animal; but that's what she was to me...
I came home from work to find Karma acting as though she didn't feel well. She was shaky on her feet, and couldn't take more than a few steps without having to lie down. She seemed thinner than she did jsut the night before. I took her to the emergancy vet, and after having blood work ran, it was found that she was in renal failure. I was informed that the prognosis was grim. In the few hours that we had been at the clinic, she seemed to get worse. She could bearly move. She was down to 4.5 lbs. She was so miserable. I did what was right for her.
I held my sweet grey girl as she was given an overdose of phenobarbital, and she slipped away in just over a minute.
I feel empty inside. Something is missing; something is gone. My home is empty. It's full of animals, but without her, I feel as though the rooms echo and taunt me. She was such a powerful presence; she played such a large part in my daily life.
I know it will take time to heal; it will take time to not break down with every though of her that enters my mind. She was a loyal friend; and although my heart is broken, she will always reside there.
I love you Karma.