Just the way I am?

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about how angry I was with myself in allowing myself to believe in people before they have proven themselves worthy. She pointed out something to me that I had not previously considered. Both she and I have come from similar pasts – we’ve both visited places of addiction; we’ve both done a lot of things we regret. I won’t say that I was a bad person during these times (nor was she – but this is a story about me so…), but I was young and misguided; I was selfish, and immature, and most of my actions were dictated by low self-confidence and absolutely no self-esteem. And because I know first hand that people are capable of changing – of finding their path and making a good life for themselves, of "growing up", I tend to automatically believe that the people in my life are capable of the same (especially those from my past). Unfortunately, I have been repeatedly disappointed because the faith and trust that I automatically put in people. Maybe someday I’ll learn to be more cautious, but it’s a difficult thing to do when it’s simply part of my nature.

Today's horoscope

Is someone accusing you (of all things) of being too nice? Is that even possible? Okay, you want to dismiss this, but sit down and think about it. Could it be that there's a kernel of truth in this person's supposition?

It takes a silly old bear to make sense of my ignorance

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Kissing Karma

While typing in my new URL, I mistakenly left the blog portion of the address out. What I found was a website for a band from New York named Kissing Karma. Their music isn't exactly my taste, but a worthwhile discovery.
This prompted me to take a moment to explain why I chose the name and title for my new blog. If you know anything about me, you should be aware that I am a firm believer in karma. I believe that all actions that a person makes will somehow make an effect on their future. I believe that every action has a consequence; sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes so subtle that it can go unnoticed, but a consequence none the less. A person's thoughts, words, and actions not only affect their own life, but the world around them. There is an energy all around us; it touches us all. It is acknowledged with differnet names, different deities, differnet languages in most forms of religion and spirituality around the world. It's a simple concept... treat yourself, others, and the earth with respect. Live your life with integrity and dignity. Be willing to accept your mistakes, your short-comings, you flaws, and love yourself not inspite of these things, but because of them. Hold true to what it is that makes you an individual. Accept that life has purpose.
To me, "Kissing Karma" means all of what I have described above. It stands for enbracing life; not giving up when my world seems to be falling apart. It means that I am greatful for the experience. It means that I am greatful and proud to be all that makes me who I am. It means that everything that encompasses the person that I am was achieved not only by my own actions, but the actions, words, and thoughts of all that have touched my life. It means that I accept the responsibility that comes with everything I think, do, and say; as I effect the world as it effects me.

A terrible loss

I lost my closest friend yesterday. It may seem odd to some that I give this title to an animal; but that's what she was to me...
I came home from work to find Karma acting as though she didn't feel well. She was shaky on her feet, and couldn't take more than a few steps without having to lie down. She seemed thinner than she did jsut the night before. I took her to the emergancy vet, and after having blood work ran, it was found that she was in renal failure. I was informed that the prognosis was grim. In the few hours that we had been at the clinic, she seemed to get worse. She could bearly move. She was down to 4.5 lbs. She was so miserable. I did what was right for her.
I held my sweet grey girl as she was given an overdose of phenobarbital, and she slipped away in just over a minute.
I feel empty inside. Something is missing; something is gone. My home is empty. It's full of animals, but without her, I feel as though the rooms echo and taunt me. She was such a powerful presence; she played such a large part in my daily life.
I know it will take time to heal; it will take time to not break down with every though of her that enters my mind. She was a loyal friend; and although my heart is broken, she will always reside there.
I love you Karma.