I promised a monthly newsletter, so I guess I need to make myself sit down and write although I haven’t been in the mood for the last few weeks. I just feel blah, and am having a hard time documenting all the wonderful things that happened during the last month of the year when I feel so negative.
I’m sure a lot of it has to do with all the winter weather that has bombarded us; I believe the news this morning said we have had a total of 77 inches of snow so far. This means we’ve had a lot of gray and gloomy skies and very little sunshine, and you know the effect that has on me. It’s also resulted in some treacherous driving and very long commutes. Over the next few days the snow is suppose to turn to rain which means we will then have to be cautions of flooding; I noticed today that the Spokane River has already risen just since yesterday.
I’m starting to adjust to our new living arrangement. I haven’t lived with anyone in a very long time; it’s been over ten years since I’ve shared living quarters with someone I’m in a relationship yet. I’m very happy with where Chris and I are in our relationship, but old habits are hard to break, especially when you’re used to doing most everything on your own and your own way. I find it funny that some days all I want is some “me time”, but when I’m away from him, all I do is miss him. We’ve divided up some of the chores so that we’re both doing something that we find the lesser of two evils: I do the laundry since he hates that chore, and he does the dishes since you know how I feel about kitchen duty. He does most of the cooking, but I’m picking up a few kitchen skills so I’m not completely useless. Every other weekend we have Jamie, so I’m adjusting to TWO men that continually leave the toilet seat up and forget to turn of lights and appliances when their done with them. But it’s a small price to pay for finally taking the step forward into family life.
I’m amazed at how much more expensive it is to maintain a household of two people. Money is a constant worry lately. Not only am I overextended on my personal bills, but there are the household bills and expenses. It takes a lot of food to feed a full grown man and a growing boy, and we seem to run out of it a lot. Chris is really creative in whipping things together with leftovers, he makes chili and stew out things that I would normally just go to waste, but a large pot of turkey noodle soup that would feed me for a week only lasts for a meal – maybe two, when there are three people to feed. It just baffles me. I know Chris is pretty stressed about money too. He has his own expenses and I know he is concerned about the extra expenses he will have to share with me in living at the apartment. I don’t think it would be an issue but with the weather being so cold and wet he sometimes misses multiple days of work a week and is not bringing in what he is used to. I would like to take on a 2nd job for a little while, just until I can feel like my feet are back underneath me, but that is a point of contention between us right now. He doesn’t want me to have to work everyday (I think it’s a manly thing where he wants to provide for me) but I don’t want him to be in the least bit responsible for my personal debt. I have a car I can’t afford but can’t get rid of because I owe twice as much as its worth, 2 student loans, and then the growing amount I’ve racked up on my credit cards – he shouldn’t have to worry about my responsibilities. I’ll figure something out, I always do, but the pressure to keep the wolves from the door is making me miserable right now.
All this stress has turned me into a hideous monster – at least in my eyes. My skin is horrible; I seem to have a new break out everyday. My hair looks dry and stringy. I’m tempted to cut it all off, the only thing that’s keeping me from doing so is the fact that it’s the longest I’ve been able to grow it since I was little girl and I can’t bear the thought of starting over again. I feel fat and puffy; I weight more than I ever have in my life. All in all I look in the mirror every day and cringe. My period is more than a week late this month, but I have a feeling it’s just due to stress.
OK. Now that I’ve gotten out all – or at least most- of what’s been bothering me I’ll try to lighten up a little.
It’s been a week since I wrote the above portion, and my memory of the month is quickly fading so I’ll try to put down all the major points before they’ve completely disappeared.
I’ve debated on if I should write this down or not, worrying about hurt feelings. But it’s about hurt feelings – my hurt feelings, and I feel like it’s important for me to express how I felt. When I read the email stating that you had gotten married, I broke down and cried. I was saddened that I wasn’t able to be there with you, but took solace in the fact that you were on the other side of the planet, and it would have been impossible for me to have been there. For months I had a feeling that you and Doug would soon make it official, but I guess I had always imagined that in some way you would want me to be a part of it. I was heart broken when you told me that you’d actually done it before you’d left the country – and then kept it from me. It made me feel that I wasn’t important enough to you to share in the experience or even confide in me. I felt, and still feel that it was a very selfish action. I understand that the action and the ceremony is truly about the two people making the commitment; and it should just be about the two of you, and I truly want you to be happy. But our lives are intertwined, no matter how far apart we are. I wish you would have given me the chance to celebrate with you – even if it was from a distance, be happy for you, process things in my head. But what’s done is done, and although I am still hurt, there is no use dwelling on it. There. I said what I need to – I feel better now.
Christmas was wonderful. I hate to say this, but I think it was the most memorable holiday I’ve had since I was a child. I’ve never been a big fan of the season, I can’t explain why, but depression usually hits me like a brick around Thanksgiving and lasts until after the New Year. But this year I didn’t shed a single tear – except Christmas Eve when I opened Chris’s gift. We were all very spoiled, we got more than we need, and now I’m worried about the money that was spent, but since it was essentially my first Christmas, and Chris’s first one in a while I guess it’s alright that we overdid ourselves.
Well, I have lots more to say, but it belongs to another post, so I’m going to say goodbye for now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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